my macrocosm

i saw my grandma today. she is 93 (i think? 94?). what an amazingly small world she lives in. as i contemplate what i am going to write next, i realize it might seem inappropriate to really put it all out there, but just to be straight forward: she has been bed bound for over a year now, wheelchair bound for probably 3 years before that. she is washed in her bed by her caretakers, she eats the pureed food they feed her, she holds washcloths in her hands to protect her palms from her nails as she curls her hands into fists and tucks them under her chin...she can barely see. the last time she was outside of her apartment was probably about a year ago, when my sister and i convinced her to be lifted out of bed and secured in her wheelchair for a stroll to the park.

i can see that this might seem depressing...but it is what it is. i love my grandma...i love that she is who she is, in the moment, right NOW. spending time with her today was amazing in so many ways. she did not even speak or move...but just barely fluttered her eyes open and closed as i told her about what is going on in my life. and, out of pure love, i found the only way i felt i could reach her was by physical touch; i massaged my grandma from head to toe for almost an hour...communicating without speaking. it truly was a life-filled moment, despite all the signs of fading life around us.

my experience with my grandma made me think about my focus over the past few years. just as my grandma lives in a small world, i realized this evening that i have turned inward to my "microcosm"; over the past few years, i have found myself less and less interested in what is going on in the world, and more and more interested in what is going on within MY world. what an interesting turn...

this has shown through in my life in so many ways; i no longer watch television and am almost constantly reminded of my lack of involvement in popular culture (mostly by my friends, who get quite a kick out of the fact that i have no idea who celebrities such as the Kardashians are...and, by the way, i just had to google that to find out how to spell that name; i did not, however, take the time to find out who they are, because i honestly have no idea and really do not care!). my bedside table is stacked with nonfiction books about spirituality, yoga, raw diets, and chakras. i find out about the bears winning or losing while chatting in the OR...i am a yoga instructor...i am a bike commuter and runner...all my own forms of meditation

i've always been an extremely curious person...breaking up with a long term boyfriend, one book ignited my fervor for learning more, and led me on a 2 year journey to where i am today...but, should i have also been concentrating on the larger picture? i know the last 2 years have brought me to a place where i believe that all that i create outside of me comes from within- what a powerful and freeing concept! but, i also live in SOCIETY; a well established way of life exists outside of me...what of that? it seems my curiosity for the world within has detached me from the world without...

i heard a john stewart interview on NPR today (hilarious man, i love him); he was asked to describe the highlight of his career on the daily show, and, in the most serious tone i think i have ever heard from him, he described his coverage of a decision to limit healthcare coverage to officers who had helped during 911 if they were undocumented...his passion for the cause was almost breathtaking. and, in that instant, i suddenly felt this shift...i came home, cooked an amazing dinner with friends, settled in with my computer, and, 2 hours later, woke up from an unexpected, almost exhaustive, search of world news, information about political systems, history...as if i suddenly came out of myself and woke up to the world around me.

i felt like i needed to go back to high school! going into medicine in college, high school seems to be one of the only times i learned about government, history, and the like. the intertwining of government, art, literature, economics, social networks...all creating the evolution we observe around us...how amazingly interesting!

if the power to change comes from within, then the change we see around us is our internal intentions manifested in the world...

i journeyed in to learn how to manifest in my own life...curiosity now draws me to learn what the collective consciousness of the world has manifested in society. what an f'ing interesting concept...let the curiosity take me :-)

i can't claim i will become a justin beiber fan...but maybe soon you'll find me back in society ;-) in my macrocosm...