happily ever after...

you know that scene in a movie, usually at the end, where the protagonist has finally overcome her struggle and begins anew? The sky clears, the sun shines...maybe a bird is chirping...and you watch the character take a deep breathe, smile, and take in the warm sun on her face. Happily ever after :) aaaah :)

Is it inherent in the character's happiness that she just overcame some powerful evil?? Can you only enjoy the calm when it follows a storm?

It's true in my life that I have found some of my most profound peace after surrendering in a huge struggle. This is actually exactly what started my spiritual journey, this blog, and, ultimately, completely changed my life course. But, what about now? I must say, I feel very steady and grounded in life right now.  I have a stable career, i live in a great city, i have great friends, and a loving and supportive family.  As my readers may know, my love life is a bit...hmmm...i don't even know (?!), but I surprisingly feel very calm in my love right now...which is wonderful

so, point being, I'm not feeling any major life traumas needing to be surmounted.  I don't have any huge storms brewing, and don't feel like I just watched the clouds part...I'm just living my normal life...with a little love drama in the mix to light my fire.  Same old, same old ;-)  for the most part...

i had a moment this morning, walking to work, when I suddenly felt like I "checked in".  i was listening to music, thinking about my night last night, planning my day today...completely out of touch with what i was ACTUALLY doing.  and, suddenly, there i was...in an amazingly beautiful ray of sunlight, walking through a park.  i caught the eye of a morning dog walker, and their fluffy little mess of a dog...i felt a cool breeze on my cheeks...and the blaze of the sun as it hit my eyes...and i suddenly had this unstoppable urge to smile...and i smiled BIG!  it was delicious :-)

where was this BEFORE?!  how had I JUST noticed?

it made me think...or maybe, STOP thinking...and just soak up my present moment.  for all that it is...for the I AM...my only true self is in this moment and this moment only.  and this moment has all that i need and more...at least it does, if i ALLOW myself to see it ;-)

during my last session with maureen, we did a guided meditation into my heart.  I allowed my heart to open...and with the images and feelings this created within me, felt more alive than I could have ever imagined.  I actually started giggling shortly thereafter...so much joy, I felt like a little kid with a case of the giggles!  wonderful :-)  through the giggling, I asked maureen, "do people actually live there life from this place ALL THE TIME?!"  and, with a startled giggle in response she said, "of course!"

let my practice begin :-)  let the giggling begin!  let the happily ever after be the happily ever NOW :-)

spreading light and love within and without.  happy thursday!

Avoiding pain

as i sit in anticipation of the pain i fear i will be feeling later, it just occurred to me how avoiding pain is oftentimes a powerful driving force in our emotional lives.  understandably, our mind guides us to avoid physical pain in an effort to keep us alive.  but, what does avoiding emotional pain really accomplish for us?  the only thing i see it doing is restricting me from experiencing life fully.  isn't there a common saying, it's not worth it if it's not worth fighting for?

one of my good friends used to always stimulate conversation with ridiculously heavy "life" questions.  for a while there, one of his favorites (and this would come out while out at a bar or something ridiculous like that...) was, "what are you willing to suffer for?"  he thought of passion as something you were willing to suffer for; and, in that, your suffering, you realize how much it means to you. he liked to probe people's motivations, find out about their deepest driving forces...and what better way to get there, than to understand what they are passionate about.

i looked up the definition of passion, and here's what i found:

PASSION

-noun

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor
3. strong sexual desire; lust
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music 
7. the object of such fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him. 
8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9. violent anger
10. the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, especially something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action)
11. Theology
1. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper
2. the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the gospels
12. Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr

like, what?  first of all, how can so many different words describe the same concept??  and, secondly, yes, quite interestingly, this word does have a relationship with suffering, or being a victim.  as if the things we are passionate about only create pain and victimization...and leave us nailed on a CROSS?!  my god!  this makes me never want to fall in love.

so, my friend may have been right; passion is what you are willing to suffer for.  am i willing to suffer for love?  in a society where we seem obsessed with romantic comedies, love songs, tragic plays about love so strong people kill for it...is this really at the heart of our motivation for life?  sometimes it seems this is exactly NOT what we actually manifest in life.  and as i sit here contemplating the pain i may experience due to the loss of a relationship i cherish, a part of me is quickly saying "f*** this, i NEVER want to do this again!!"  no matter how much i feel drawn to those love stories, i seem highly motivated to avoid them!!

but why is my ego telling me this story?  self preservation?  is pain actually going to threaten my SURVIVAL?  what an interesting way to step outside my mind's story; a story that is constantly telling me, "protect!  close off!  run away!".  my fight or flight reaction to emotional pain feels almost exactly like that of physical survival...but there isn't truly any life threatening danger...

stepping outside of my emotions allows me to realize my mistake.  this pain will not kill me...but i will feel suffering.  passion creates suffering, sometimes due to love or even hatred, but suffering is not a threat to my being...it is just another hill on the roller coaster of life...the exhilarating ride that at times brings elation, fear, joy, sadness...but you always end up reaching the end...whether you enjoyed the ride is completely up to you...whether you allowed your body to rise and fall with each hill and valley, to flow with the powerful force leading you through your ride...is completely up to you.

i watched my grandma die a stubborn and hardened woman.  it seems to me she rode the roller coaster of life and held tighter and tighter with each twist, turn, or hill.  as i contemplate pain, i see the rationality in this approach.  but what of the peaks?  can they feel as good if you're holding so tightly?  i can't help but lift a finger, then  my hand, and then realize i'd rather let go completely and feel the thrills (and valleys) than miss the ride of life that i can't escape anyways...

to life.. to pain...and to suffering...and to passion, i cheers!  here we go...as i let my tight grip go, i feel my pain, and i cherish it for the LIFE that it is. 

"date night" brought these into my life...

cuz i'm keepin it real

"People who keep it real present themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would rather hide."

the daily om- one of my favorite daily emails that i all too often do not spend enough time to read!  this reminds me of the importance of "keepin it real" ;-) said in the most formal of ways, or course.  it reminded me of when i decided to not lie about ANYTHING for a while.  and although it was slightly frightening at times, it was so freeing!  i felt like i had exponentially increased my energy, happiness, and my feeling of ease.  no need to spend energy on hiding anything, no need to be something that i naturally was not...and, beyond that, such a strong way to notice my downfalls and actually ADDRESS my own shit...!  read the full article here .

if it could ever be said that there is an "easy" button for life, my first gut reaction would be to say this is it.  try it out!  it definitely changed my life; it helped me manifest exactly what i wanted in all that i did.  and although it was not always easy while it was happening (just due to the unease of actually speaking my truth!  what a foreign feeling sometimes!) it got me right exactly where i truly wanted to be, and that was the easiest easy button i could have ever asked for...

i'm high on life

“All of a sudden, everything familiar started evaporating,” he recalled. “Imagine you fall off a boat out in the open ocean, and you turn around, and the boat is gone. And then the water’s gone. And then you’re gone.”

written by a clinical  psychologist after taking shrooms (or, to make those MDs out there feel a little bit better, a purified controlled version of psilocybin, the psychoactive drug found in mushrooms).  A 6 hour hallucinogen experience was the turning point in this man's struggle with depression.  ready about it here .


interestingly, although i have never experienced shrooms myself, I have learned that my experiences in meditation are extremely similar to this hallucinogenic drug.  no drugs needed...


let's get high on life :-)

happiness is a state of mind

This morning, as I got dressed in the hospital locker room after my morning run, I was struck by a patient sticker I had somehow left on the inside of my locker door. It was for a patient I hadn't seen in months, but could so vividly recall upon seeing her name. thirty years old, diagnosed with breast cancer just before thanksgiving last year. newly married, at her initial consultation, i remember her husband saying "WE are having a bilateral mastectomy". it's the "we" that stood out to me, and continued to do so as I watched her progress through her surgery, expansions, and chemotherapy; they always came in smiling! I see a lot of pain in my job, and I'm sure this patient experienced her fair share of pain, anxiety, and sadness, but the light I always saw between her and her husband was pure happiness...and it always radiated from them, warming me at our every encounter.

whatever I may have felt unhappy about this morning faded away. and i looked at that sticker and immediately smiled. I'm so grateful for all that I learn from my patients! happiness comes from within. choose happiness :-)

i can't get enough of this song

teaching candlelit yoga to this song. IT. WAS. AMAZING.

and i digress...

even as i thought i might open my little universe to the world around me, i still find i can't seem to let go of my obsession to search within. my latest find: who is ramtha? i need to know more! a quote i found today that i want to share:

"If I could take all your words away and give you but a sparse few, they would be: ‘I now know, I am absolute, I am complete, I am God, I am.’ If there were no other words but these, you would no longer be limited to this plane."

the zen of marathon training...

...or just walking in the rain in Chicago...

today's zen thought: "the answer is never outside of you"

the zen of motorcycle maintenance

i just started reading a book called "the zen of motorcycle maintenance". excellent book; i would highly recommend it :-) the author delves into ideas of zen as he travels across mid america on a motorcycle. and even if you think you know nothing about motorcycles (or do not even care to know anything about motorcycles), you'll probably find this book still speaks to you :-) i promise...

i don't think i'll be riding across mid america on a motorcycle anytime soon. but, my run today reminded me of this book. just as the author's mind wanders as he rides his beloved motorcycle, my mind wanders during my runs. i've probably had some of my most clear moments while running. i'll call this my zen of marathon training ;-)

so, on a run today, i had this really great realization. it may seem very simple and obvious to some people, but for some reason, this was a whole new light on life for me...ha! i had this thought: fear paralyzes, love ignites

right now, i'm thinking a lot about love and life. whether to pursue love or to let love go...choosing one option can sometimes be just as scary as the other. and, in my rational mind, i feel i am constantly trying to logically understand which option is "best" for me. in my struggle to work through this in my mind, i felt completely out of touch with where my difficult emotions were coming from. if i choose to hold onto love, is it for having love, or for fear of losing love? what are my emotions telling me?

and then...there...in the middle of my angst, the clarity hit: FEAR PARALYZES, LOVE IGNITES.

BAM, new awareness :-) and there's no going back.

so how does this relationship make me feel? do i feel my emotions about it paralyze me or fuel me? well, that just got much easier :-) check in...how does my body feel? do i feel open or closed? do i feel stuck or do i feel expansive? the concept "choose love" just took on a whole new meaning.

choose what fuels you, what ignites your passions...acknowledge fear, but CHOOSE LOVE :-) ignite!

welcome back to reality

yoga alone in a studio...how have i not done that before?

my welcome back to reality after traveling has been a bit harder than i had anticipated! of course, i experienced the usual cringing when returning to responsibility, cold, being busy...but, beyond that, i have an unexpected sense of things changing and unraveling in my life that I just couldn't have anticipated. maybe it's because it seems my life has been constantly accelerating to this point...and now the acceleration is gone...i'm not quite sure. but, last night, after teaching a scuplt yoga class that i wasn't even sure i had the energy for, i practiced yoga by myself in a hot empty yoga studio...with my choice in music playing over the speakers, and only me and my breath to keep me company. it worked wonders...and as an instructor, i'm not quite sure how i've never done that before.

my angel card yesterday was "release". yoga helps me release :-) and as much as change makes me want to hold on, control, and resist, i have to remember the word tattooed on my foot, "surrender". the universe is obviously trying to remind me ;-)

all good things come to me when i release my fear, when i surrender to the present. I allow those things unfolding around me to be experienced by me fully. and from that place of fullness, i will always manifest my truth. i am able to love those around me regardless of our definitions, our differences...and cherish the love i have

yogaaaa. happy friday