letting go

My last session with Maureen ended by ripping up the pages we had been working on for weeks; my feelings about this, that, my past, my future, how it affects me now...on and on (for probably at least 5 pages). oh what "work" we had put into that! and just like that, RIP, they were gone! my first gut reaction was "oh no! oh...aah!"...and then i immediately started giggling and clapping my hands. ha! it was amazing! so liberating. i had moved past it :-) i didn't need them anymore!

We moved into a meditation, and i left our session with a new lightness...i walked out of her place, heard the waves crashing on the beach, the breeze...hopped on my bike, and smiled all the way home. Another session of "unhexing"....it's such an amazing experience. how was i not doing this before??

it's so easy to resist change...to fear stepping out of our comfort zone, or out from behind our protective walls. after my first break up (god, i hate that i even have to say FIRST...! so many break ups with the same person...! aah!), i hid behind exercise and alcohol. don't get me wrong, both felt AMAZING at the time (ha!), but, it never really changed anything. i still woke up feeling the same, and feared looking at the pain and repeating patterns in my life. nothing really started changing until i allowed myself to feel the pain; and oh how much i cried! i cried in yoga studios all over chicago! and then after the crying, i suddenly saw myself...i observed....and i realized i needed to act! all of the sudden, i could actually SEE what was happening in my life. that's when i started my sessions with maureen- a light in my life :-)

when i first began noticing my behaviors, the things i clung to, it freaked me out beyond belief to even think about letting go of them. like the flash of fear i felt as the pages ripped, i felt like letting go was going to rip me of my strength, throw me down, beat me up, and leave me to die! sound a bit dramatic? haha, yes, i know. but, honestly...it was f'ing SCARY! who am i if i am not this stone solid woman with no soft spots?! no love for the weary!! do not let go of your defenses! oh my...

recently, i just started reading a wonderful book called "Meditations from the Mat". each day, it gives a quote and describes a principle of yoga. i picked this book so i could learn ways to put into words what i have experienced with yoga (it can be so hard to do!) so that I can share it with my students. yesterday, i read about renunciation...i couldn't believe how well it reflected what i have been experiencing in my sessions with maureen

renunciation- an act or instance of relinquishing, abandoning, or sacrificing something. hmm...doesn't sound that great probably, right? but, what about growth? i find new perspectives replace old...letting go of something brings birth to a new understanding...

in my life, with the comfort of a spiritual guide, i let go...i SEE...and my fear of the death of my patterns (the scary, gut wrenching RIP! of my past) becomes a rebirth...a giggling fit :-) a lightening...

i have new eyes..there is no going back :-)

"...the furniture of our life gets moved, and we are forced to pay attention...suddenly we are seeing the world with new eyes..."

"When we are ready to let go, we will do so with relief. We will experience renunciation not as a death but as a birth"

-Meditations from the Mat