abundant belly

i think i might have eaten my weight in food yesterday...no really...

i know that is pretty much impossible, but it really felt like it. what HAPPENED?! it started with a spice cake...and ended with a mexican restaurant binge. 9 flour tortillas later, i went to bed feeling like i might never eat again, completely astounded by what had just happened...even better, i woke up this morning literally feeling HUNG OVER. i lost the battle with gluten...AGAIN...damn sticky shit. i swear, it's worse than alcohol sometimes. but oh how i crave it!

so i woke up this morning and barely at breakfast. actually, i barely ate all day! and, for anyone who knows me, they know this is EXTREMELY out of character for me. as drew used to say, i eat like a fat person. yes, this was actually an accepted description of me in college. thank god i was not fat, or i might have found it extremely insulting...

so, hung over from FOOD. now that's just nasty. i even got comments from my patients saying i looked like i had a rough night the night before. yeah, me and the tortillas, we had it out. it was a crazy party...

so, as i detoxed my way through the day, i pondered my recent binge...and it brought me back to the idea of abundance. i've read a lot about abundance in the last few years. or maybe i should say that i've read a lot about our misperception of scarcity. we hoard things, money, love, food, etc etc, as if there isn't enough to sustain us. I see this in the simplest of settings...like watching my mom eat at a table with others...almost nervously eyeing the food and quickly taking a portion of each dish to make sure she gets some. and, believe me, i have definitely done the same! but, i also see it in more complicated situations; at work, or in personal relationships. so many of our fears in these settings seem to stem from an inherent belief that the universe will NOT support our efforts. always on the defense, life is hard, protect yourself at all times...

how does this relate to my tortilla debacle? well, as i assume so many of us do, i eat when i'm stressed. it's pretty ridiculous how repetitive this pattern is for me. stressed out at work, pressed for time, pressured to finish something or rushing to be somewhere/get something done, and the first thing that comes to my mind is all the delicious sweets i'd like to eat with my lunch. or maybe i could just skip lunch and have a cookie...yeah, that seems like a perfectly logical way to get me through this little bump in the road. sugar...check...chocolate...check...NOW i'm ready to tackle this problem! literally, now i'm full, hormones pulsing euphoria through my veins...i am no longer lacking what it takes to make it through this day...but, ten minutes after the sugar settles, i realize i'm just back where i was before with the addition of a lovely sugar headache...and...well, not much else...

so, this is my pattern. it sucks. it's honestly funny to observe and realize how often it happens. and why? because i feel a lack of strength, a lack of abundance, and, instead of finding it within myself, i crave the high of suger to get me through it.

yoga has brought the word "mindful" into my vocabulary in a very new way in the past year. in those moments when my mind is racing, and i'm in search of quick answers, mindfulness reminds me to slow down. obviously mindfulness has not had a strong enough effect on my eating habits...but yesterday might have been just what i needed to bring that concept together with abundance. being mindful, i am able to slow and connect with the abundance of the universe...reassuring myself that i already HAVE all that i need.

a good friend of mine has repeatedly said that your relationship to food is actually a manifestation of your relationship with yourself. and how true this is for me...

it can be applied to every single area of life outside of yourself; your relationship with your lover, your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your friends. relationships take two. and although we may constantly feel like we would rather try to control the other half of the relationship, what we really need to do is improve our relationship with ourselves.

being mindful of my spirit, food doesn't solve any problems for me. being mindful of my spirit, a lover, a friend, a parent, does not fulfill any part of me, but only adds to my already abundant life.

i choose to let go of a belief in scarcity, and remind myself that i am abundant, i am supported, and i am full and complete as i am.

...thank god this realization occurred before the holidays...gobble gobble ;-)