Avoiding pain

as i sit in anticipation of the pain i fear i will be feeling later, it just occurred to me how avoiding pain is oftentimes a powerful driving force in our emotional lives.  understandably, our mind guides us to avoid physical pain in an effort to keep us alive.  but, what does avoiding emotional pain really accomplish for us?  the only thing i see it doing is restricting me from experiencing life fully.  isn't there a common saying, it's not worth it if it's not worth fighting for?

one of my good friends used to always stimulate conversation with ridiculously heavy "life" questions.  for a while there, one of his favorites (and this would come out while out at a bar or something ridiculous like that...) was, "what are you willing to suffer for?"  he thought of passion as something you were willing to suffer for; and, in that, your suffering, you realize how much it means to you. he liked to probe people's motivations, find out about their deepest driving forces...and what better way to get there, than to understand what they are passionate about.

i looked up the definition of passion, and here's what i found:

PASSION

-noun

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor
3. strong sexual desire; lust
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music 
7. the object of such fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him. 
8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9. violent anger
10. the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, especially something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action)
11. Theology
1. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper
2. the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the gospels
12. Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr

like, what?  first of all, how can so many different words describe the same concept??  and, secondly, yes, quite interestingly, this word does have a relationship with suffering, or being a victim.  as if the things we are passionate about only create pain and victimization...and leave us nailed on a CROSS?!  my god!  this makes me never want to fall in love.

so, my friend may have been right; passion is what you are willing to suffer for.  am i willing to suffer for love?  in a society where we seem obsessed with romantic comedies, love songs, tragic plays about love so strong people kill for it...is this really at the heart of our motivation for life?  sometimes it seems this is exactly NOT what we actually manifest in life.  and as i sit here contemplating the pain i may experience due to the loss of a relationship i cherish, a part of me is quickly saying "f*** this, i NEVER want to do this again!!"  no matter how much i feel drawn to those love stories, i seem highly motivated to avoid them!!

but why is my ego telling me this story?  self preservation?  is pain actually going to threaten my SURVIVAL?  what an interesting way to step outside my mind's story; a story that is constantly telling me, "protect!  close off!  run away!".  my fight or flight reaction to emotional pain feels almost exactly like that of physical survival...but there isn't truly any life threatening danger...

stepping outside of my emotions allows me to realize my mistake.  this pain will not kill me...but i will feel suffering.  passion creates suffering, sometimes due to love or even hatred, but suffering is not a threat to my being...it is just another hill on the roller coaster of life...the exhilarating ride that at times brings elation, fear, joy, sadness...but you always end up reaching the end...whether you enjoyed the ride is completely up to you...whether you allowed your body to rise and fall with each hill and valley, to flow with the powerful force leading you through your ride...is completely up to you.

i watched my grandma die a stubborn and hardened woman.  it seems to me she rode the roller coaster of life and held tighter and tighter with each twist, turn, or hill.  as i contemplate pain, i see the rationality in this approach.  but what of the peaks?  can they feel as good if you're holding so tightly?  i can't help but lift a finger, then  my hand, and then realize i'd rather let go completely and feel the thrills (and valleys) than miss the ride of life that i can't escape anyways...

to life.. to pain...and to suffering...and to passion, i cheers!  here we go...as i let my tight grip go, i feel my pain, and i cherish it for the LIFE that it is.