why I tattooed "surrender" on my foot

this week I am vacationing in Lake Geneva with my family. Family reunions- oh how I truly love them! This year, as the reunion approached, I became so excited to see and spend time with all of my family. We were all excitedly facebooking as the day approached.

Seeing extended family only once or twice a year makes each visit really exciting. But, what about my immediate family? I felt just as excited to see them...because it really had been a while.

An encounter with my mom and my sister helped me realize that I have been very reclusive and out of touch with my loved ones the past few months. Of course, from my perspective, this should only affect me...haha. But, it turns out, I had actually alienated my immediate family...and actually hurt their feelings. When I look back at it now, I can see that I was stuck in my mind, trying to find ways to move on after a long relationship...and definitely NOT surrendering to the now. Yesterday was a hard day for me; but, what started with some frustrated and angry words, ended with some tears and am embrace, and an amazing realization about how surrender actually plays out in my daily life. I woke this morning to an email from my one and only Buddha sister, and want to share it today.

May we always return to our surrender; our connection with god, the one, the source..whatever you may call it...xo

"The word "surrender" is often interpreted as giving up, as weakness, as admitting defeat. Although this is one way to use the word, we will use it in a different way. Surrendering means letting go of your resistance to the total openness of who you are. It means giving up the tension of the little vortex you believe yourself to be and realizing the deep power of the ocean you truly are. It means to open with no boundaries, emotional or physical, so you ease wide beyond any limiting sense of self you might have."
-David Deida

Today, I surrender to the wisdom of my heart. I let go of the need to be right, in charge, in control. I let go of my mind's small and incomplete vision of myself, and open to the source of who I truly am. and all is well...

to the northwoods!

What a wonderful 4th of July! This year, I went up to Rhinelander, WI with my roommate Kenzie. Up to the northwoods! I was so excited to leave the city, get away for a long weekend, and soak up the country.

From my 20th floor high rise living to the slow pace of the Wisconsin country...what a stark change in scene...and how I longed for it! or at least I thought I did...

Ever since I first stepped foot on the Jensen farm in Steven's Point, WI, I was convinced that I wanted to live in the country. I could have a garden...eat clean and healthy foods...ride my bike to town...wake up with the birds...and allow myself to slow down to a more comfortable pace in life...reconnecting with nature. I was always blown away by the love I felt at the Jensen home, even the way the love between Luke and I would blossom while we were there. It was enthralling! And, of course, that love is now tied to Wisconsin in general.

When Luke and I dreamed of our futures together, we often talked about living on a farm. Rockin' out in the city, of course, but then escaping...to an emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy life in the Wisconsin country. When I first mentioned any of this to my parents I think I just got silence, a classic "grim" chuckle from my dad, and a matter-of-fact"really..." from my mom. I guess they never saw it coming...ha! But, nonetheless, Luke and I's relationship grew, and my dream of moving to the quiet peace of the country slowly expanded into a love for all that it represented.

So when Luke and I parted ways, it never crossed my mind that this country dream had been a mutual country dream...I continued in my love for Wisconsin countryside without a doubt. So much so that, on a whim (which seems to be the way I do many things lately), I came up with the idea of actually BUYING land in Wisconsin on a lake and building a pre-fab eco-friendly home on it. Not TOO random, right? Because, in all my time off, I could go hang out up there and...hang out...

So, logically, I looked into it...I contacted a few sellers expressing interest. I passed it by my parents...who, despite the "grim" chuckle and "really..." actually seemed to be pretty supportive...I dreamt about it for weeks...but then something slowed me down. Do I really want this?? In the spirit of being objective, I asked a recent addition to my life who I believe is possibly the most rational person I know...my boss. And within a 20 minute conversation, I realized my pipe dream was just that...

Maureen and I often talk about the intertwined dreams one creates with a lover; the dreams that bind you together...so beautiful and motivating! But, when your relationship ends, those dreams become slightly lost. Lost...I feel I can't say it any better...when I first broke up with Luke, I definitely felt lost...like I was flying without a navigation system...in a storm...with lightening around me...engine puttering...? maybe that takes it a bit too far...but I really did feel strange and untethered! and totally confused about what I wanted and what I could create.. My life had been so intermingled with one other person, so much so that I wasn't really sure where my energy ended and his began...did I even LIKE those things? Did I WANT that? What the HELL am I doing??

So, in my drive up to Wisconsin with Kenzie, I started noticing that it didn't quite feel as exciting and relaxing as I thought it might. I got anxious as we passed the Casimir Road exit, knowing the Jensen farm was less than a mile away...and I actually felt anxiety ridden and stressed as we approached her family's house and I imagined myself living in this beautiful tucked away country town...ALONE...with no distractions...just to be...with myself...and myself...FREAKYYYY

But once I got past the fear, it was interesting for me to notice that my "love" for the country was me striving to live out the mutual dream I had created with someone else who was no longer in my life...and then to realize that when I connected with my inner strength and peace, I could let go of this dream comfortably...opening me up to all the amazing potential opportunities I could create on my path...alone (in a good way this time).

I slept like a baby my first night in Wisconsin after writing about my new discovery, and I woke up to birds chirping and the wind blowing through the trees. I went on a run, kayaked the Wisconsin river, drank beer and ate brats...smiled and giggled, and loved every second of it!

The weekend was heavy and light for me, grounding and uplifting, all mixed in one...and I was so grateful for seeing and feeling both of those sides of myself.

When I think back on the weekend, I seem to hold most closely my memory of looking up the meaning of "taint", "chode", and "grundle" on urban dictionary while driving to dinner (in response to a disagreement about what the space between a guys balls and asshole is called...), watching a girl barf in front of our car at the gas station while Kenzie's mom threatened to call the police, wearing our life preservers as diapers (throw back!), kayaking the Wisconsin river, and playing the most spastic and silly game of catch phrase with Kenzie's family and friends (of course, with booze involved)...AND realizing that, although my mutual dream no longer exists, MY DREAMS do...and I definitely still dream of the country.

Sending my love to the northwoods!

And please enjoy the enticing and ever informational urban dictionary...who knew there were so many terms for the same thing...?? apparently the internet's scholars have more knowledge than I could have ever imagined...

Urban Dictionary:

Chode

1. Chode- a penis wider than it is long

"My boyfriend wanted a hand-job, but I couldn't get a good grip because he had a chode."

2. Chode- a bunch of people that sit around and argue over the definition of the word chode

3. Chode- I don't know where most of you got your fucking definitions for this word, but the Chode has nothing to do with a short or fat penis. It is a synonym of "taint" and "gooch". It is the area between your sac and your asshole. Why would you create a definition for something that doesn't exist, you morons?

"Last night, you mom tongued my chode"

Taint

1. taint- The area between the nutsack and asshole that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts

"If it wasn't for the taint, my nuts would reek of poo!"

2. Taint- 't aint quite your arse and 't aint quite your bullocks it that bit in between

"Pass me the cactus...i have an itchy taint"

3. Taint0 The part of a woman that allows her to be picked up like a six pack

"Caveman: ugh, ugh, me no liek picking her up this way, UG pick her up by taint."

Grundle

1. grundle- The prime piece of real estate located conveniently between Scrotumburg and Anusville

"One of these days, I'm going to move to the grundle."

2. Grundle- The space between your sack-o-nuts and your whale hole.

"When you are crapping you sure are lucky that your grundle is there or you would have a shat full of mess."

3. Grundle- The grundle is not simply just the area between the testes, and the anus, rather it's the wormlike skin line.

"My grundle looks eerily similar to the scare on Madeline's stomach."

Oh, the joys of internet perusing...

Happy 4th!

"All healing is essentially the release from fear..."

-A Course In Miracles

Rain on me...

I was crabby last night...my roommate even noticed it. "you seem...not in a good mood...?" I actually don't think she's ever said that to me before...and as I sat there in my rain soaked clothes, all I could come up with was "I'm tired of being rained on". ha, oh how metaphorical I could get with that!

But, in actuality, I have been rained on now three times while running home from work. It's a short run, just under three miles. But, in the past week, the clear skies have turned to grey, and, I swear, the SECOND I put my running shoe on the sidewalk, it has started to rain. And not just a drizzle, but a downpour....Interestingly, it has also seemed to STOP raining the second I arrived at my doorstep. Honestly, I am not exaggerating.

The first time this happened, I honestly giggled all the way home. What timing, I thought! The second time, I giggled, sucked the rain water off my upper lip, squinted through the rain, and happily made it home. But, the THIRD time this happened, I stalled under bridges, called friends for rides (to no avail), cursed my horrible timing, took a deep breath, and ran home. When it stopped raining just before I reached my building, my happy running self just couldn't stay positive anymore...why is god raining on MEEEEEE?? haha, yes, that dramatic. I would also like to say that this run actually started with a bolt of lightening and immediate thunder as I walked outside...rain started about 3 minutes later. REALLY?! so now god is being dramatic too...michelle stepped outside in her running clothes, strike her with lightening! mwahaha!

It is actually pretty funny...

So, I ran home. I took my shoes off outside the apartment and stuffed them with newspaper (which is becoming a regular routine for me at this point), I walked into my living room and stared at the city in amazement; as the clouds began clearing, the sun began to shine, I stood sopping wet, dripping in my living room...

Sometimes it seems like the world is just raining on YOU. I feel this mostly when I find myself comparing myself to others...what a silly thing to do! Our egos so often convince us that we need to be different, better, above those around us. It seems to be part of our "survival of the fittest" wiring. But look at what havoc that wreaks on our emotional and spiritual bodies! My oh my, how my internal body was in a knot last night!

Our natural wellness and power is in our connection to the underlying source of all creation...denying that brings us anxiety, nervousness, anger, disconnect, feelings of being lost. When I feel I am resisting my current moment, when the rain seems to be pouring only on me, I have to let go of my identification with my ego...reconnect with the self that is me beyond my mind. I slow my mind, slow my breath, and allow the quiet voice of my spirit to remind me that I am safe, loved, whole, healthy, and at peace.

Today I ran to work and it wasn't raining...until I got into my office...then the skies opened up :-)

Lomi Pule (Prayer)

E aloha mai

E mana mai

E pono mai

E ola no!

Amama ua noa

Let there be love.

Let there be power.

Let there be harmony.

Let there be healing.

So be it, it is done.

"Perfect love casts out fear. If fear exists, then there is not perfect love."

-A Course In Miracles

if you think you need a break, keep going

I consider myself to be a pretty nice person...I generally really care about people, want them to feel good, happy, and loved...so, how did I find myself verbally abusing my yoga class last month? Well, this is just another manifestation of what my sister might call "Angry Michelle".

If you don't know me well enough to have already met "Angry Michelle", let me give you the highlights. Smiling Michelle, excited to hang out with friends/family, gets into the car to drive to some location she is probably very excited about. All is well in happy land until...why is this guy going so slow?? I cannot BELIEVE we are going 2 mph on the HIGHWAY!!! that guy just cut me off, F*** YOUUUUU!

Yes, that angry, that quick. It seemed to almost be inevitable. Please note that, currently, for this reason exactly, I have now arranged my life around NOT driving; I am now a happy bike commuter who has recently sold her car actually :-) and I thought that would solve the problem...until recently...

I broke up with my boyfriend...AGAIN...the day after my birthday this year. Interestingly, he used to always say that if he couldn't BE in our relationship by the time I turned 28, he would understand if I left. 28 for less than 24 hours and I did just that...interesting how that happens. So, anyhow, the last few months of my life has been about moving on. It's been a very interesting process to observe! Although, I must admit, I am not always able to observe it necessarily. I cried for the first couple weeks, celebrated for the next few, and then fell into an emotional mess for the next...like the rollercoaster of PMS'ing, I found myself oftentimes anxious, easily angered, easily saddened, tired...and lo and behold, angry Michelle resurfaced. I didn't really even realize it until I had a shocking wake up call as I flicked off a driver while riding my bike on Michigan Avenue yelling "FUCK YOUUUU" as I rode by...WHOA...I mean, REALLY? Where did that come from?! (you would probably find this even more shocking if you heard the story of why i vowed to never flick anyone off ever again after an encounter with an angry husband in Target about 5 years ago...a whole other story...!)

And then the next day, in a setting where I usually provide support, offer modifications or easier alternatives should the student feel they can't go on, I found myself pushing my yoga students angrily through a difficult class...this time, I finished out my "if you are struggling" sentence with "then PUSH HARDER, and KEEP GOING!". my class looked pained...and I just kept yelling. I know it seems this could have ended very poorly, but it actually turned out okay. I think I was probably more relieved to be done with the class than my aching students were...!

So, what is this all about? I know it comes from me...my spiritual healer would probably say it is my 4 year old self, aching for love that she has not yet found. If they won't give me love, I will take that on as my fault, beat myself up about it, and then RAAAAARRRRR at everyone around me!! ...oh my Michelle...could we just move past this already...?

I got through yoga...and I awakened from my anger with a new understanding about who I am, what throws me off kilter, separates me from my source. I realized that I was getting fulfillment from a relationship, and that without that relationship, I wasn't quite sure how to feel full. I realized I am sometimes better at loving other people than I am at loving myself...and I came back to my mat, to my meditations, and discovered a new part of myself that was pure, eager, and longing for love :-)

Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.

What is healing but the removal of all that stands in the way of knowledge.

-A Course In Miracles