I consider myself to be a pretty nice person...I generally really care about people, want them to feel good, happy, and loved...so, how did I find myself verbally abusing my yoga class last month? Well, this is just another manifestation of what my sister might call "Angry Michelle".
If you don't know me well enough to have already met "Angry Michelle", let me give you the highlights. Smiling Michelle, excited to hang out with friends/family, gets into the car to drive to some location she is probably very excited about. All is well in happy land until...why is this guy going so slow?? I cannot BELIEVE we are going 2 mph on the HIGHWAY!!! that guy just cut me off, F*** YOUUUUU!
Yes, that angry, that quick. It seemed to almost be inevitable. Please note that, currently, for this reason exactly, I have now arranged my life around NOT driving; I am now a happy bike commuter who has recently sold her car actually :-) and I thought that would solve the problem...until recently...
I broke up with my boyfriend...AGAIN...the day after my birthday this year. Interestingly, he used to always say that if he couldn't BE in our relationship by the time I turned 28, he would understand if I left. 28 for less than 24 hours and I did just that...interesting how that happens. So, anyhow, the last few months of my life has been about moving on. It's been a very interesting process to observe! Although, I must admit, I am not always able to observe it necessarily. I cried for the first couple weeks, celebrated for the next few, and then fell into an emotional mess for the next...like the rollercoaster of PMS'ing, I found myself oftentimes anxious, easily angered, easily saddened, tired...and lo and behold, angry Michelle resurfaced. I didn't really even realize it until I had a shocking wake up call as I flicked off a driver while riding my bike on Michigan Avenue yelling "FUCK YOUUUU" as I rode by...WHOA...I mean, REALLY? Where did that come from?! (you would probably find this even more shocking if you heard the story of why i vowed to never flick anyone off ever again after an encounter with an angry husband in Target about 5 years ago...a whole other story...!)
And then the next day, in a setting where I usually provide support, offer modifications or easier alternatives should the student feel they can't go on, I found myself pushing my yoga students angrily through a difficult class...this time, I finished out my "if you are struggling" sentence with "then PUSH HARDER, and KEEP GOING!". my class looked pained...and I just kept yelling. I know it seems this could have ended very poorly, but it actually turned out okay. I think I was probably more relieved to be done with the class than my aching students were...!
So, what is this all about? I know it comes from me...my spiritual healer would probably say it is my 4 year old self, aching for love that she has not yet found. If they won't give me love, I will take that on as my fault, beat myself up about it, and then RAAAAARRRRR at everyone around me!! ...oh my Michelle...could we just move past this already...?
I got through yoga...and I awakened from my anger with a new understanding about who I am, what throws me off kilter, separates me from my source. I realized that I was getting fulfillment from a relationship, and that without that relationship, I wasn't quite sure how to feel full. I realized I am sometimes better at loving other people than I am at loving myself...and I came back to my mat, to my meditations, and discovered a new part of myself that was pure, eager, and longing for love :-)
Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.
What is healing but the removal of all that stands in the way of knowledge.
-A Course In Miracles
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