to the northwoods!

What a wonderful 4th of July! This year, I went up to Rhinelander, WI with my roommate Kenzie. Up to the northwoods! I was so excited to leave the city, get away for a long weekend, and soak up the country.

From my 20th floor high rise living to the slow pace of the Wisconsin country...what a stark change in scene...and how I longed for it! or at least I thought I did...

Ever since I first stepped foot on the Jensen farm in Steven's Point, WI, I was convinced that I wanted to live in the country. I could have a garden...eat clean and healthy foods...ride my bike to town...wake up with the birds...and allow myself to slow down to a more comfortable pace in life...reconnecting with nature. I was always blown away by the love I felt at the Jensen home, even the way the love between Luke and I would blossom while we were there. It was enthralling! And, of course, that love is now tied to Wisconsin in general.

When Luke and I dreamed of our futures together, we often talked about living on a farm. Rockin' out in the city, of course, but then escaping...to an emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy life in the Wisconsin country. When I first mentioned any of this to my parents I think I just got silence, a classic "grim" chuckle from my dad, and a matter-of-fact"really..." from my mom. I guess they never saw it coming...ha! But, nonetheless, Luke and I's relationship grew, and my dream of moving to the quiet peace of the country slowly expanded into a love for all that it represented.

So when Luke and I parted ways, it never crossed my mind that this country dream had been a mutual country dream...I continued in my love for Wisconsin countryside without a doubt. So much so that, on a whim (which seems to be the way I do many things lately), I came up with the idea of actually BUYING land in Wisconsin on a lake and building a pre-fab eco-friendly home on it. Not TOO random, right? Because, in all my time off, I could go hang out up there and...hang out...

So, logically, I looked into it...I contacted a few sellers expressing interest. I passed it by my parents...who, despite the "grim" chuckle and "really..." actually seemed to be pretty supportive...I dreamt about it for weeks...but then something slowed me down. Do I really want this?? In the spirit of being objective, I asked a recent addition to my life who I believe is possibly the most rational person I know...my boss. And within a 20 minute conversation, I realized my pipe dream was just that...

Maureen and I often talk about the intertwined dreams one creates with a lover; the dreams that bind you together...so beautiful and motivating! But, when your relationship ends, those dreams become slightly lost. Lost...I feel I can't say it any better...when I first broke up with Luke, I definitely felt lost...like I was flying without a navigation system...in a storm...with lightening around me...engine puttering...? maybe that takes it a bit too far...but I really did feel strange and untethered! and totally confused about what I wanted and what I could create.. My life had been so intermingled with one other person, so much so that I wasn't really sure where my energy ended and his began...did I even LIKE those things? Did I WANT that? What the HELL am I doing??

So, in my drive up to Wisconsin with Kenzie, I started noticing that it didn't quite feel as exciting and relaxing as I thought it might. I got anxious as we passed the Casimir Road exit, knowing the Jensen farm was less than a mile away...and I actually felt anxiety ridden and stressed as we approached her family's house and I imagined myself living in this beautiful tucked away country town...ALONE...with no distractions...just to be...with myself...and myself...FREAKYYYY

But once I got past the fear, it was interesting for me to notice that my "love" for the country was me striving to live out the mutual dream I had created with someone else who was no longer in my life...and then to realize that when I connected with my inner strength and peace, I could let go of this dream comfortably...opening me up to all the amazing potential opportunities I could create on my path...alone (in a good way this time).

I slept like a baby my first night in Wisconsin after writing about my new discovery, and I woke up to birds chirping and the wind blowing through the trees. I went on a run, kayaked the Wisconsin river, drank beer and ate brats...smiled and giggled, and loved every second of it!

The weekend was heavy and light for me, grounding and uplifting, all mixed in one...and I was so grateful for seeing and feeling both of those sides of myself.

When I think back on the weekend, I seem to hold most closely my memory of looking up the meaning of "taint", "chode", and "grundle" on urban dictionary while driving to dinner (in response to a disagreement about what the space between a guys balls and asshole is called...), watching a girl barf in front of our car at the gas station while Kenzie's mom threatened to call the police, wearing our life preservers as diapers (throw back!), kayaking the Wisconsin river, and playing the most spastic and silly game of catch phrase with Kenzie's family and friends (of course, with booze involved)...AND realizing that, although my mutual dream no longer exists, MY DREAMS do...and I definitely still dream of the country.

Sending my love to the northwoods!

And please enjoy the enticing and ever informational urban dictionary...who knew there were so many terms for the same thing...?? apparently the internet's scholars have more knowledge than I could have ever imagined...

Urban Dictionary:

Chode

1. Chode- a penis wider than it is long

"My boyfriend wanted a hand-job, but I couldn't get a good grip because he had a chode."

2. Chode- a bunch of people that sit around and argue over the definition of the word chode

3. Chode- I don't know where most of you got your fucking definitions for this word, but the Chode has nothing to do with a short or fat penis. It is a synonym of "taint" and "gooch". It is the area between your sac and your asshole. Why would you create a definition for something that doesn't exist, you morons?

"Last night, you mom tongued my chode"

Taint

1. taint- The area between the nutsack and asshole that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts

"If it wasn't for the taint, my nuts would reek of poo!"

2. Taint- 't aint quite your arse and 't aint quite your bullocks it that bit in between

"Pass me the cactus...i have an itchy taint"

3. Taint0 The part of a woman that allows her to be picked up like a six pack

"Caveman: ugh, ugh, me no liek picking her up this way, UG pick her up by taint."

Grundle

1. grundle- The prime piece of real estate located conveniently between Scrotumburg and Anusville

"One of these days, I'm going to move to the grundle."

2. Grundle- The space between your sack-o-nuts and your whale hole.

"When you are crapping you sure are lucky that your grundle is there or you would have a shat full of mess."

3. Grundle- The grundle is not simply just the area between the testes, and the anus, rather it's the wormlike skin line.

"My grundle looks eerily similar to the scare on Madeline's stomach."

Oh, the joys of internet perusing...

Happy 4th!