am i defined by my physical space...?

after all my "inner work", it may be slightly alarming (if not for you, definitely for me) to see such a title on my blog...honestly?  this is what i have been preaching AGAINST for the past 2 years.  happiness comes from the inside...i mean, right?  but, this weekend, i suddenly had this horrible thought that i really am just a victim of my physical surroundings, possessions, experiences...

so, in the midst of a breakup, i can't even tell you how much your mind races about...well, about everything really.  i am completely stuck on some thoughts, and completely oblivious to others.  i can honestly say i haven't felt this way since...well, i honestly don't think i've EVER felt this way.  every relationship brings something new to your consciousness :-) and I truly am grateful for that!  but,  as i almost obsessively roll over every last detail of my love lost, i find myself feeling very very unhappy, very confused about what i actually want, and very confused about where my happiness comes from.

one of the most obvious reasons for this is that i am mourning, and i feel my heart is slightly drained from the strain.  Running is great...wine is great...but they wear off, and then, DAMNIT, there it is again.  the nagging feeling of love lost...and the heart heaviness that distracts me from almost everything i am doing in life...

but, beyond this, i'm also finding that my respect and love for someone else with a different opinion than mine has really shook how i feel about some major life decisions.  is happiness impossible if the physical world and space you inhabit is not in line with CREATING your happiness?  this stems from a belief that has been expressed that i could not be happy in norway.  is that really TRUE?  maybe it is...?  does my physical space in chicago, with family and friends, my job, define my happiness?  would i be unable to find happiness without these things?

in this time of trying to reignite my happiness, i find that i am doing THINGS, extremely physical in nature, to help me feel better.  i am working...a lot.  i am drinking wine...a lot...i am doing yoga, i am running, i am getting massages, i am dancing around my apartment, i am eating delicious treats...the physical pleasures i am constantly consuming seem to be the only thing that really change how i am feeling.  i've even found myself considering a complete change in physical scene as of late; a beach house in thailand for 40,000 dollars?  YESSS, i could definitely do that for a while!  and, although the happiness these physical pursuits bring may be short lived, it really does have a major effect on what is happening in my internal world. i feel happy!  for that moment...

so, does this mean my happiness is coming from the outside?  god...it seems as if this IS very true!  is chicago the reason i'm happy?  is bike riding to my sister's making me happy? is my job making me happy?  is my outside world MAKING me happy?  hmmm

yesterday i identified a false belief within myself.  it came to me suddenly, and immediately brought tears to my eyes "i am unable to make myself happy".  wow, did i REALLY believe this?  for a moment i really wasn't sure...i felt so confused about this topic of my outer life versus my inner life...i felt a victim to my surroundings, and felt such a lack of confidence in my ability to choose to create my inner happiness and manifest that around me...it just seemed maybe all this time, i had been in denial about my dependence on my outside world...had been choosing not to see the fact that the only reason i was happy was because of what i HAD...not within, but without

i felt this shock through me almost all weekend.  the weekend of my birth 29 years ago...a weekend of celebration and spending loving time with family and friends...was wrought with this inner battle.  and it wasn't until today that i finally found some peace.  i realized that maybe i should instead ask, am i UNHAPPY without these things?  it seems this is the shift that is needed.  in my time of mourning, i am struggling finding happiness within, especially when turning within sheds light on my pain...but if i were to look at my past, were these things the only happiness i had?  indeed they are NOT!  my god, some of my most joyful moments were experienced with no physical aid, no specific situation, gift, or interaction with another person...but just a simple sense of connection with myself...!

so, with a sigh of relief, i realized the answer to this question is a solid and confident no.  and that is my truth.  i also allowed myself to acknowledge and honor that the body is a tool that can be used to access the spirit.  in this time of inner struggle and discomfort, i choose to remind my spirit that it IS joy by rejoicing in my body.  by dancing...and singing...and giving gifts to my family and friends...by teaching and practicing yoga and cultivating a moving meditation... :-)

so again i return to my belief and my truth- happiness comes from within.  home is where the heart is.  my heart is in pain, and i acknowledge that with love rather than judgement.  i send light and love to my inner world, and realize that my pain can be cleansed with time, and that my happiness is my choice....and it will be always, regardless of my physical life...

and i dance :-) and i rejoice!  to remind myself of this inner choice to create my reality whenever i falter...

:-)