holy sh**
What a way to start my day.
I think I've pretty much settled on the idea that all break ups are a bit traumatic. This idea first occurred to me when I broke up with my ex boyfriend Luke...at a GAS STATION...in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin on a fucking "picnic area" bench. Yeah, you know, those places they want you to believe are actually a nice place to enjoy a meal outdoors...on the side of a HIGHWAY with who knows who lurking in the nasty bathrooms nearby doing who knows what...? Yeah, that's where we broke up. Then I got back in my car and drove to a WEDDING (aka love fest) and watched the happy couple dance their first song to "our song". Shoot me now. I felt like I was exploding from the inside out...i mean, really?!
So, I recently broke up with a wonderful man who, unfortunately, lives in Oslo. the whole relationship was such a whirlwind that i find myself currently mourning a relationship i am almost in disbelief ever actually happened. but, regardless of that, the fact that he lives in oslo meant that this wonderful break up occured over VIDEO chat..and the fact that there is a 6 hour time change between our cities means this happened while I was at WORK...sitting in my bosses office...with patients piling up in the waiting room, i was sitting in an office chair, having one of the most personal moments i could have imagined on a COMPUTER. and as the patients waited, i experienced the trauma of talking my way through a break up i didn't want, unable to hug, kiss, or even TOUCH the person i cared for so much. we cried and sniffled, and i looked longingly at a computer screen the size of my body (my boss is very into computers) wishing i could take away the atlantic ocean for good, reach into that computer screen and teleport my way to norway...FUCK that body of water. i know i've enjoyed it many times, but i really really REALLY hated the atlantic ocean at that moment. all those fun east coast trips seemed worth giving up at that exact moment if that ocean would promise to just disappear.
the traumatic portion of the break up really occurred when the video ended and i found myself sobbing in a work bathroom, trying to get my shit together so i could TATTOO a NIPPLE on a patient who had been waiting for over an hour. and, as my red eyes met hers, the awkward silence that followed could have killed you. "you're going to put a NEEDLE into my skin when you look like THAT?! don't get that thing close to me..." she didn't really say that, but i could see it in her eyes. and when she finally did speak, over the buzz of the tattoo machine, she sheepishly asked me "can you rupture my implant with that?" wow...so now my greif stricken face has brought her to fear me! i must really look bad. i felt horrible...and sank back into despair...and i couldn't help but think about how painful and traumatic my morning had been, mostly for the fact that i had to share it with my coworkers and patients...almost MORE than i was even able to share it with the person i was breaking up with...
letting go of this relationship will be hard. just seeing the word "surrender" on my foot has brought on some large sighs in the past few days, and a somewhat knee jerk reaction to wish it were just NOT THERE...why did i get that DAMN TATTOO ANYWAYS?! but, alas, letting go must occur...and for me it has manifested thus far in allowing my sadness; crying in yoga through a sun A and sun B or crying in the bathroom outside the OR after I haphazardly impaled my finger on a needle. no, it didn't hurt that much...and no, it's just not that scary when it really comes down to it...but it really was an instigator for feeling the pain i am currently carrying...it's as if that needle popped my outer shell holding everything in...and suddenly it came gushing out.
one of my friends recently recounted a story about his breakup...it's f'ing hilarious, and i highly recommend reading it (here) the highlights being a crying man, a naked woman, a grinding lap dance, and a nice pat on the head. i read it the day i broke up with jorgen, and it honestly was the first time i had smiled all day. it seemed like something out of a movie...but, within about 3 hours of my breakup, i found myself lamenting my failed relationship in what seemed like a similar situation...in the company of my patients (most of whom were usually naked, and hanging out comfortably with their breasts in between our sad gazes), i ended up talking about love...it seemed much too close to my friends story...good thing i'm not into women...
it feels great to find things to laugh about when trying to let go. laughing is honestly one of the best feelings EVER...i truly believe that...
so when i found myself sadly looking over the facebook profile of the man i love in norway, i couldn't help but laugh when i clicked on his location and noticed the bottom of the page. oh, iphone, you're so smart...you actually figure out MY location, and tell me how far i am from HIS location! and lo' and behold, my lovely iphone pointed out the stark truth...at that moment, we were four THOUSAND and 30 miles away from each other. yeah...THOUSAND...FOUR THOUSAND...and don't forget the 30.
sooo, SHIT...there in lies the truth of the matter. that atlantic ocean stands between us...and it's just not going away. denial sometimes may have convinced me otherwise, but, alas, it is still there. and although so much goes into why a relationship doesn't work, this large body of water really probably was one of our largest obstacles...
and so i surrender. i look at the tattoo on my foot...i feel the aftershock of the giggle i just had, and i allow it to radiate through my sadness. somehow i muster a smile that this is my reality and that i must allow it to be, and the love that guides me though life returns to my consciousness. my love will always survive...as long as i remember to honor my truth, rejoice in my abundance, and surrender to what is...
to love :-)
the traumatic portion of the break up really occurred when the video ended and i found myself sobbing in a work bathroom, trying to get my shit together so i could TATTOO a NIPPLE on a patient who had been waiting for over an hour. and, as my red eyes met hers, the awkward silence that followed could have killed you. "you're going to put a NEEDLE into my skin when you look like THAT?! don't get that thing close to me..." she didn't really say that, but i could see it in her eyes. and when she finally did speak, over the buzz of the tattoo machine, she sheepishly asked me "can you rupture my implant with that?" wow...so now my greif stricken face has brought her to fear me! i must really look bad. i felt horrible...and sank back into despair...and i couldn't help but think about how painful and traumatic my morning had been, mostly for the fact that i had to share it with my coworkers and patients...almost MORE than i was even able to share it with the person i was breaking up with...
letting go of this relationship will be hard. just seeing the word "surrender" on my foot has brought on some large sighs in the past few days, and a somewhat knee jerk reaction to wish it were just NOT THERE...why did i get that DAMN TATTOO ANYWAYS?! but, alas, letting go must occur...and for me it has manifested thus far in allowing my sadness; crying in yoga through a sun A and sun B or crying in the bathroom outside the OR after I haphazardly impaled my finger on a needle. no, it didn't hurt that much...and no, it's just not that scary when it really comes down to it...but it really was an instigator for feeling the pain i am currently carrying...it's as if that needle popped my outer shell holding everything in...and suddenly it came gushing out.
one of my friends recently recounted a story about his breakup...it's f'ing hilarious, and i highly recommend reading it (here) the highlights being a crying man, a naked woman, a grinding lap dance, and a nice pat on the head. i read it the day i broke up with jorgen, and it honestly was the first time i had smiled all day. it seemed like something out of a movie...but, within about 3 hours of my breakup, i found myself lamenting my failed relationship in what seemed like a similar situation...in the company of my patients (most of whom were usually naked, and hanging out comfortably with their breasts in between our sad gazes), i ended up talking about love...it seemed much too close to my friends story...good thing i'm not into women...
it feels great to find things to laugh about when trying to let go. laughing is honestly one of the best feelings EVER...i truly believe that...
so when i found myself sadly looking over the facebook profile of the man i love in norway, i couldn't help but laugh when i clicked on his location and noticed the bottom of the page. oh, iphone, you're so smart...you actually figure out MY location, and tell me how far i am from HIS location! and lo' and behold, my lovely iphone pointed out the stark truth...at that moment, we were four THOUSAND and 30 miles away from each other. yeah...THOUSAND...FOUR THOUSAND...and don't forget the 30.
sooo, SHIT...there in lies the truth of the matter. that atlantic ocean stands between us...and it's just not going away. denial sometimes may have convinced me otherwise, but, alas, it is still there. and although so much goes into why a relationship doesn't work, this large body of water really probably was one of our largest obstacles...
and so i surrender. i look at the tattoo on my foot...i feel the aftershock of the giggle i just had, and i allow it to radiate through my sadness. somehow i muster a smile that this is my reality and that i must allow it to be, and the love that guides me though life returns to my consciousness. my love will always survive...as long as i remember to honor my truth, rejoice in my abundance, and surrender to what is...
to love :-)
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