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hope to see you there!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
lucky charms, you inspire me...no, really, i'm serious
let go of the fact that i am currently eating probably the most sugary cereal ever created, and let's just focus on this teleporting thing...lucky looks pretty pumped to be doing it, but i can whole heartedly say i would be twice as excited if i could pull this off. of course, my natural fear of maybe a fly or bug of some sort teleporting with me, and finding a fly hair growing on my body afterwards...that's still there...but, excitement would probably dominate the scene...
how many times this would have come in handy! as of late, i would most DEFINITELY be teleporting to norway...like regularly. wake up in norway, teleport to work in chicago...lunch? maybe meet in australia? sounds great to me :-)
it really would be amazing. general mills needs to give up the goods
all joking aside, the idea of teleporting has been something i've repeatedly come back to probably since college when i moved to colorado. being across the country from everything i had ever known as a home, teleporting home would have pretty much rocked. not only would it have been cheaper, and, of course, COOLER, than a long flight, but it also would have been so wonderful to see my family simply whenever i had the urge.
since i left michigan at 18 years old, i've lived in many places. i lived in rhode island, australia, boulder, vail, denver, and chicago. and i travelled a lot; i went to europe backpacking, to greece, to australia, new zealand, fiji, norway, thailand, and cambodia. i met people all around the country and all over the world. and my idea of "home" changed a lot. at some point during all of this exploring, suddenly michigan didn't really feel like "home" anymore, and i found my heart pulled all around the country and world, to places inhabited by my loved ones thousands of miles from each other.
home is an interesting concept. the statement "home is where the heart is" might seem cheesy, but it is so accurate. my "home" was created by my parents until i left home...and then, as i stepped out into my individual path, i began creating my own home. one experience at a time, my heart created my home.
the evolution of my sense of home, or the pull of my heart, could probably be charted with my obsession with teleporting. yes, i know this is ridiculous, and sounds just completely silly, but stay with me here. in college i wanted to teleport to michigan until i fell in love with drew, then i wanted to teleport to san francisco. then i went to australia, and i can't even tell you how many times i wanted to teleport back there after returning. i fell in love with my roommates and friends from australia, and wanted to teleport to new york, wisconsin, boston, norway to see them again. my heart was all over the place...and any feeling of a stable "home" didn't really exist for most of this time in my life.
when i first left colorado for chicago, i missed it SO MUCH. i had lived in colorado for 6 years on my own and had been in one relationship my entire time there, and as i left it, my heart felt like it was literally being ripped out of my chest. i felt homeless more than i ever had before...god, looking back on that, i can almost feel it again. i cried on and off for the entire 2 day 18 hour drive, and, upon arriving, ran right into the bathroom of my new apartment, and cried on the toilet for about 30 minutes before emerging to help my parents bring in my boxes...about 4 days later, i also took out a runner while biking on the lake path in a sullen daze...maybe i thought i could teleport back to colorado if i biked fast enough...??
chicago is an amazing city. and, interestingly, it's the first place i have actually called my home since leaving michigan almost 10 years ago. at first, i couldn't really place it, but i felt strangely "grounded" here. after getting over my initial moving shock, i actually stopped thinking about teleporting when i moved here. don't get me wrong, i still would've LOVED to partake had someone finally invented it, but it didn't seem as needed. i thought maybe it was the city...the lake...? the festivals...? the proximity to my family...? my career...? but none of those really seemed to resonate...what WAS IT?
it wasn't until i truly began considering leaving this city, that i really thoroughly explored this feeling. and i realized it actually is just the exact same concept as what i experienced through my travels; home is where the heart is.
the last 3 years of my life has been completely expansive for me, specifically in my inner world. my heart has grown in ways i never knew were even possible. i entered into myself and actually saw my spirit, and i CREATED my heart's desires in my physical life...and it just so happened that this evolution did not occur for me in any of my earlier residences...it occurred for me while living in chicago.
why is chicago my home? because i manifested my spirit here. how cool is that?!
sure, the lake is awesome, and i love the music, the festivals, my family, my work...but those things don't make this home. I MAKE this home.
so, teleporting...still ROCKS. and maybe even more so now that i understand that the beauty of love in my life from people around the country and world has expanded my concept of home beyond any city lines, physical space, or limited geography. my home goes with me when i seek out those loves :-) i don't have to teleport to find home...but, instead, i can teleport to share my home with those i love :-)
so, as my sugar high subsides, and i realize i have eaten about 4 bowls of lucky charms, i smile at this ridiculous box and feel almost like giggling as i daydream about my crazy obsession with the idea of teleporting. and i smile even more as i realize i am no longer running to find my home outside of me within this dream...but, instead, have discovered my true home within :-)
who knew lucky charms could be so inspiring...?
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
what timing!
but it was a great ride ;-)
is it still winter? (from a bike commuter's perspective)
the other day, on my usual bike ride into work, i suddenly noticed something...something so ODD...so unexpected...and so pleasant! I WAS NOT FREEZING MY ASS OFF!!! wow...what a breath of fresh air!
but, in true chicago form, sunday was 81 degrees and yesterday was about 40 (high)...soo, here i am again, lamenting the cold and daydreaming about sunnier days.
being a bike commuter, you stay pretty in tune with the weather. even if you're like me, and decide to NOT look up the weather for the next day, you're going to KNOW the weather in no time whether you like it or not. so, i live by the nature of...well....mother nature...and pretty much just do what i can to get through it. sometimes i take it on like a challenge with excitement; yeah, you know that CRAZY downpour thunderstorm the other night, when the streets were flooding, and cars couldn't even drive down michigan avenue because it was like an f'ing RIVER?! yeah, i was riding home during that ;-) ha! i love it...i smile through those things like a kid eating candy. it's such a high.
so, being that i am continually in touch with the lovely weather of chicago (mother nature, i am kissing your ass right now, please be nice to us!), i realized some funny things about how i notice weather changes.
first realization: during the winter, i forget that my bike lock cord is actually FLEXIBLE. it's not until that first day of defrosting that i find myself haphazardly swinging my lock around wondering why it is so damn FLOPPY! oh right, it's not an ice cube right now.
second realization: did my head miraculously get smaller overnight? oh no, my helmet is just basically falling off because i am no longer wearing a huge ass HAT under my helmet (probably the hottest look any bike commuter can master)
third realization: my headphones suck...yeah, you know those pretty white ones you get with every single apple purchase? well, somehow, as the weather warms, i start to constantly be picking them up and putting them back in my ears, mid ride...and why is that? again, the hat trick. without a hat, it becomes glaringly obvious that these ear phones do not stay in your ears FOR SHIT. damn you apple. you pull me in with the free stuff, and i just can't say no.
four: to my surprise, i am not actually "allergic to morning". as the weather warms, the runny nose and watery eyes miraculously disappear. wow, i totally forgot that the piercing freezing wind beating me all the way to work was actually the cause for that...!
and five: why is it becoming so hard to find things to ride in to work? oh right, because i don't have to cover every square centimeter of my body in order to arrive safely without loosing any toes or fingers! what a concept! so, although i drop about 5 lbs on each ride, i suddenly begin struggling with the idea of skirts that are too short or too flowing or tshirts that flap in the wind and give that PERFECT shot of my oh so enormous breasts ;-)
so, the weather is indeed changing. my bike has told me so. and i have had some moments of pure bliss on my bike lately as I smile my way through the city without a bone chilling, clenched body, barely breathing mentality...but, instead, a fresh deep breath of wonderful lake air!
BUT, i have not yet given in. my helmet is still riding loose...because i KNOW i'll be adding that hat again at least one more time. and my lobster claw gloves have not yet moved to the bottom of the pile. i am PREPARED...my bike lock will yet again get stuck in a tight coil, my music will blare in my ears unaffected, my runny nose and watery eyes will return, and i will not yet give chicago a view of my sun deprived body while rushing past them in a blur...
mother nature loves to throw in that last snow...say mid april...and i'll be riding...no matter what
Thursday, April 14, 2011
my birthday daily om
what timing. this daily om (one of my favorite daily inspirational emails) came to me the day before my birthday. yet another BE QUIET message as a friendly reminder ;-) it definitely has been heart warming! and it has helped me so much that I wanted to share...
April 8, 2011
Underneath the Noise
Hearing the Whisper
Sometimes it is the softness of a whisper that is needed the most.
You may have noticed that if you want to speak to someone in a noisy, crowded room, the best thing to do is lean close and whisper. Yelling in an attempt to be louder than the room’s noise generally only hurts your throat and adds to the chaos. Similarly, that still, small voice within each of us does not try to compete with the mental chatter on the surface of our minds, nor does it attempt to overpower the volume of the raucous world outside. If we want to hear it, no matter what is going on around us or even inside us, we can always tune in to that soft voice underneath the surrounding noise.
It is generally true that the more insistent voices in our heads delivering messages that make us feel panicky or afraid are of questionable authority. They may be voices we internalized from childhood or from the culture, and as such they possess only half-truths. Their urgency stems from their disconnectedness from the center of our being, and their urgency is what catches our attention. The other voice that whispers reassurances that everything is fundamentally okay simply delivers its message with quiet confidence. Once we hear it, we know it speaks the truth. Generally, once we have heard what it has to say, a powerful sense of calm settles over our entire being, and the other voices and sounds, once so dominant, fade into the background, suddenly seeming small and far away.
We may find that our own communications in the world begin to be influenced by the quiet certainty of this voice. We may be less inclined to indulge in idle chatter as we become more interested in maintaining our connection to the whisper of truth that broadcasts its message like the sound of the wind shaking the leaves of a tree. As we align ourselves more with this quiet confidence, we become an extension of the whisper, penetrating the noise of the world and creating more peace, trust, and confidence.
April 8, 2011
Underneath the Noise
Hearing the Whisper
You may have noticed that if you want to speak to someone in a noisy, crowded room, the best thing to do is lean close and whisper. Yelling in an attempt to be louder than the room’s noise generally only hurts your throat and adds to the chaos. Similarly, that still, small voice within each of us does not try to compete with the mental chatter on the surface of our minds, nor does it attempt to overpower the volume of the raucous world outside. If we want to hear it, no matter what is going on around us or even inside us, we can always tune in to that soft voice underneath the surrounding noise.
It is generally true that the more insistent voices in our heads delivering messages that make us feel panicky or afraid are of questionable authority. They may be voices we internalized from childhood or from the culture, and as such they possess only half-truths. Their urgency stems from their disconnectedness from the center of our being, and their urgency is what catches our attention. The other voice that whispers reassurances that everything is fundamentally okay simply delivers its message with quiet confidence. Once we hear it, we know it speaks the truth. Generally, once we have heard what it has to say, a powerful sense of calm settles over our entire being, and the other voices and sounds, once so dominant, fade into the background, suddenly seeming small and far away.
We may find that our own communications in the world begin to be influenced by the quiet certainty of this voice. We may be less inclined to indulge in idle chatter as we become more interested in maintaining our connection to the whisper of truth that broadcasts its message like the sound of the wind shaking the leaves of a tree. As we align ourselves more with this quiet confidence, we become an extension of the whisper, penetrating the noise of the world and creating more peace, trust, and confidence.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
be quiet...keep it quiet
so last weekend was my birthday. and as part of my birthday celebration, this year i decided that rather than just get gifts, i wanted to give gifts :-) for the 29 years my parents have handled me, it seemed they deserved celebration and gifts just as much, if not more, than me. and even though my sister and i are best friends, she's definitely put up with some of my shit (aka angry michelle, which she personally coined), so it also seemed fitting she should bask in some gifts on the day of my birth as well...
so, as a gift to my beloved family, we went to a spa and all had individualized treatments. my mom had her hair done, and erika, dad, and i all had massages. 900 dollars later, i felt amazing...i know, i know, this comment may seem to be complete sarcasm, but i honestly mean it! worth every penny. we went out for a drink afterwards, and i felt like i was glowing in their love. i was so happy to be with them...and just to be.
ruby room is probably one of the best spa experiences i have ever had in chicago, specifically because it is a wellness spa, and TOTALLY my style. i had a 90 minute massage, but it wasn't just a massage, it was a CHAKRA massage. ooooh yes, i definitely needed some chakra energy flowin love. it might not have been a full 90 minutes of hands on rub down, but it was more than that...and, oh how i needed it!
the "session" started with me choosing three cards from a pile. they were "be" cards, which helped you focus your treatment for the day. i LOVE this about ruby room. it reminds me of my angel cards, which i constantly feel blessed to have in my life; they always remind me of something that seems to fit just perfectly! so, i chose "be quiet". hmm...like, shut my mouth be quiet? hahaha...i thought it was just so fitting! as is probably easily seen by the explosion of words i have posted on this blog...i have not really found any quiet, per se, within me for quite a while now...probably ever since i returned from thailand.
so, although i picked two other cards, this one seemed to dominate the next 90 minute treatment which included a wonderful full body massage, a hot stone treatment on my chest, and some reiki. i can't even explain all that happened, but i rose from the massage table feeling 10 lbs lighter and my eyes seemed to find the world much more full of color. my massage therapist went over the session with me in words, and i teared up as we talked about the changes i felt occurred. it truly was amazing; it was such a gift!
so tonight, in the comfort of my own home, i returned to my quiet that i harnessed within the safe walls of ruby room. i lit some incents, i sprayed my whole body with the be quiet scent, and as i crawled into bed, i found myself singing "keep it quiet" by Ra Ra Riot. for 90 minutes on saturday, i finally found myself quiet...and today i return to that, to keep it quiet :-) as i find stillness within, i feel the support of the universe within me...and the chaos of my mind and world around me seem to fade away. aaaaaah :-)
so, as a gift to my beloved family, we went to a spa and all had individualized treatments. my mom had her hair done, and erika, dad, and i all had massages. 900 dollars later, i felt amazing...i know, i know, this comment may seem to be complete sarcasm, but i honestly mean it! worth every penny. we went out for a drink afterwards, and i felt like i was glowing in their love. i was so happy to be with them...and just to be.
ruby room is probably one of the best spa experiences i have ever had in chicago, specifically because it is a wellness spa, and TOTALLY my style. i had a 90 minute massage, but it wasn't just a massage, it was a CHAKRA massage. ooooh yes, i definitely needed some chakra energy flowin love. it might not have been a full 90 minutes of hands on rub down, but it was more than that...and, oh how i needed it!
the "session" started with me choosing three cards from a pile. they were "be" cards, which helped you focus your treatment for the day. i LOVE this about ruby room. it reminds me of my angel cards, which i constantly feel blessed to have in my life; they always remind me of something that seems to fit just perfectly! so, i chose "be quiet". hmm...like, shut my mouth be quiet? hahaha...i thought it was just so fitting! as is probably easily seen by the explosion of words i have posted on this blog...i have not really found any quiet, per se, within me for quite a while now...probably ever since i returned from thailand.
so, although i picked two other cards, this one seemed to dominate the next 90 minute treatment which included a wonderful full body massage, a hot stone treatment on my chest, and some reiki. i can't even explain all that happened, but i rose from the massage table feeling 10 lbs lighter and my eyes seemed to find the world much more full of color. my massage therapist went over the session with me in words, and i teared up as we talked about the changes i felt occurred. it truly was amazing; it was such a gift!
so tonight, in the comfort of my own home, i returned to my quiet that i harnessed within the safe walls of ruby room. i lit some incents, i sprayed my whole body with the be quiet scent, and as i crawled into bed, i found myself singing "keep it quiet" by Ra Ra Riot. for 90 minutes on saturday, i finally found myself quiet...and today i return to that, to keep it quiet :-) as i find stillness within, i feel the support of the universe within me...and the chaos of my mind and world around me seem to fade away. aaaaaah :-)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
am i defined by my physical space...?
after all my "inner work", it may be slightly alarming (if not for you, definitely for me) to see such a title on my blog...honestly? this is what i have been preaching AGAINST for the past 2 years. happiness comes from the inside...i mean, right? but, this weekend, i suddenly had this horrible thought that i really am just a victim of my physical surroundings, possessions, experiences...
so, in the midst of a breakup, i can't even tell you how much your mind races about...well, about everything really. i am completely stuck on some thoughts, and completely oblivious to others. i can honestly say i haven't felt this way since...well, i honestly don't think i've EVER felt this way. every relationship brings something new to your consciousness :-) and I truly am grateful for that! but, as i almost obsessively roll over every last detail of my love lost, i find myself feeling very very unhappy, very confused about what i actually want, and very confused about where my happiness comes from.
one of the most obvious reasons for this is that i am mourning, and i feel my heart is slightly drained from the strain. Running is great...wine is great...but they wear off, and then, DAMNIT, there it is again. the nagging feeling of love lost...and the heart heaviness that distracts me from almost everything i am doing in life...
but, beyond this, i'm also finding that my respect and love for someone else with a different opinion than mine has really shook how i feel about some major life decisions. is happiness impossible if the physical world and space you inhabit is not in line with CREATING your happiness? this stems from a belief that has been expressed that i could not be happy in norway. is that really TRUE? maybe it is...? does my physical space in chicago, with family and friends, my job, define my happiness? would i be unable to find happiness without these things?
in this time of trying to reignite my happiness, i find that i am doing THINGS, extremely physical in nature, to help me feel better. i am working...a lot. i am drinking wine...a lot...i am doing yoga, i am running, i am getting massages, i am dancing around my apartment, i am eating delicious treats...the physical pleasures i am constantly consuming seem to be the only thing that really change how i am feeling. i've even found myself considering a complete change in physical scene as of late; a beach house in thailand for 40,000 dollars? YESSS, i could definitely do that for a while! and, although the happiness these physical pursuits bring may be short lived, it really does have a major effect on what is happening in my internal world. i feel happy! for that moment...
so, does this mean my happiness is coming from the outside? god...it seems as if this IS very true! is chicago the reason i'm happy? is bike riding to my sister's making me happy? is my job making me happy? is my outside world MAKING me happy? hmmm
yesterday i identified a false belief within myself. it came to me suddenly, and immediately brought tears to my eyes "i am unable to make myself happy". wow, did i REALLY believe this? for a moment i really wasn't sure...i felt so confused about this topic of my outer life versus my inner life...i felt a victim to my surroundings, and felt such a lack of confidence in my ability to choose to create my inner happiness and manifest that around me...it just seemed maybe all this time, i had been in denial about my dependence on my outside world...had been choosing not to see the fact that the only reason i was happy was because of what i HAD...not within, but without
i felt this shock through me almost all weekend. the weekend of my birth 29 years ago...a weekend of celebration and spending loving time with family and friends...was wrought with this inner battle. and it wasn't until today that i finally found some peace. i realized that maybe i should instead ask, am i UNHAPPY without these things? it seems this is the shift that is needed. in my time of mourning, i am struggling finding happiness within, especially when turning within sheds light on my pain...but if i were to look at my past, were these things the only happiness i had? indeed they are NOT! my god, some of my most joyful moments were experienced with no physical aid, no specific situation, gift, or interaction with another person...but just a simple sense of connection with myself...!
so, with a sigh of relief, i realized the answer to this question is a solid and confident no. and that is my truth. i also allowed myself to acknowledge and honor that the body is a tool that can be used to access the spirit. in this time of inner struggle and discomfort, i choose to remind my spirit that it IS joy by rejoicing in my body. by dancing...and singing...and giving gifts to my family and friends...by teaching and practicing yoga and cultivating a moving meditation... :-)
so again i return to my belief and my truth- happiness comes from within. home is where the heart is. my heart is in pain, and i acknowledge that with love rather than judgement. i send light and love to my inner world, and realize that my pain can be cleansed with time, and that my happiness is my choice....and it will be always, regardless of my physical life...
and i dance :-) and i rejoice! to remind myself of this inner choice to create my reality whenever i falter...
:-)
so, in the midst of a breakup, i can't even tell you how much your mind races about...well, about everything really. i am completely stuck on some thoughts, and completely oblivious to others. i can honestly say i haven't felt this way since...well, i honestly don't think i've EVER felt this way. every relationship brings something new to your consciousness :-) and I truly am grateful for that! but, as i almost obsessively roll over every last detail of my love lost, i find myself feeling very very unhappy, very confused about what i actually want, and very confused about where my happiness comes from.
one of the most obvious reasons for this is that i am mourning, and i feel my heart is slightly drained from the strain. Running is great...wine is great...but they wear off, and then, DAMNIT, there it is again. the nagging feeling of love lost...and the heart heaviness that distracts me from almost everything i am doing in life...
but, beyond this, i'm also finding that my respect and love for someone else with a different opinion than mine has really shook how i feel about some major life decisions. is happiness impossible if the physical world and space you inhabit is not in line with CREATING your happiness? this stems from a belief that has been expressed that i could not be happy in norway. is that really TRUE? maybe it is...? does my physical space in chicago, with family and friends, my job, define my happiness? would i be unable to find happiness without these things?
in this time of trying to reignite my happiness, i find that i am doing THINGS, extremely physical in nature, to help me feel better. i am working...a lot. i am drinking wine...a lot...i am doing yoga, i am running, i am getting massages, i am dancing around my apartment, i am eating delicious treats...the physical pleasures i am constantly consuming seem to be the only thing that really change how i am feeling. i've even found myself considering a complete change in physical scene as of late; a beach house in thailand for 40,000 dollars? YESSS, i could definitely do that for a while! and, although the happiness these physical pursuits bring may be short lived, it really does have a major effect on what is happening in my internal world. i feel happy! for that moment...
so, does this mean my happiness is coming from the outside? god...it seems as if this IS very true! is chicago the reason i'm happy? is bike riding to my sister's making me happy? is my job making me happy? is my outside world MAKING me happy? hmmm
yesterday i identified a false belief within myself. it came to me suddenly, and immediately brought tears to my eyes "i am unable to make myself happy". wow, did i REALLY believe this? for a moment i really wasn't sure...i felt so confused about this topic of my outer life versus my inner life...i felt a victim to my surroundings, and felt such a lack of confidence in my ability to choose to create my inner happiness and manifest that around me...it just seemed maybe all this time, i had been in denial about my dependence on my outside world...had been choosing not to see the fact that the only reason i was happy was because of what i HAD...not within, but without
i felt this shock through me almost all weekend. the weekend of my birth 29 years ago...a weekend of celebration and spending loving time with family and friends...was wrought with this inner battle. and it wasn't until today that i finally found some peace. i realized that maybe i should instead ask, am i UNHAPPY without these things? it seems this is the shift that is needed. in my time of mourning, i am struggling finding happiness within, especially when turning within sheds light on my pain...but if i were to look at my past, were these things the only happiness i had? indeed they are NOT! my god, some of my most joyful moments were experienced with no physical aid, no specific situation, gift, or interaction with another person...but just a simple sense of connection with myself...!
so, with a sigh of relief, i realized the answer to this question is a solid and confident no. and that is my truth. i also allowed myself to acknowledge and honor that the body is a tool that can be used to access the spirit. in this time of inner struggle and discomfort, i choose to remind my spirit that it IS joy by rejoicing in my body. by dancing...and singing...and giving gifts to my family and friends...by teaching and practicing yoga and cultivating a moving meditation... :-)
so again i return to my belief and my truth- happiness comes from within. home is where the heart is. my heart is in pain, and i acknowledge that with love rather than judgement. i send light and love to my inner world, and realize that my pain can be cleansed with time, and that my happiness is my choice....and it will be always, regardless of my physical life...
and i dance :-) and i rejoice! to remind myself of this inner choice to create my reality whenever i falter...
:-)
Thursday, April 7, 2011
the runners high, and the soundtrack to life
i like wine...A LOT.
i can't yet say i'm a wine "snob" per se...because, unfortunately, i am still buying the 10 dollar bottle of wine i find in my building's convenient store...BUT, i'm not a lost cause all together. my boss, more recently, has discovered that i like wine also. and because he IS actually verging on wine snob, he has brought me into his passion for wine with gusto. office meetings that do not include wine are definitely more surprising than ones that do (in all honesty, i cannot remember the last time an office meeting did not include SOME type of alcohol...!). but, all joking aside, what i really like about it is that he actually really LIKES wine...i mean, not just the buzz you get from it, but, actually the entire wine "experience". he likes the history, the story of the wine's creation, the subtle tastes you may miss if you just guzzle it quickly without thinking. he's an avid support of the decanter, he's a sniffer, a swirler, a "hold it in your mouth" kind of wine drinker.
i've started to appreciate wine differently in the past year, but, can still definitely say that the warmth, the buzz, that i get from wine is still probably my largest motivator for drinking it. and, the more i like it for other reasons as well, the more i find myself daydreaming about that perfect glass of red i will be drinking later with dinner...or, maybe in my office, prior to going home...and the way my day will melt away as i slowly sip that delicious drink :-) oooh...delicious! what a wonderful experience! it seems sometimes that nothing could be better.
but, today, while i ran, in maybe another zen of marathon training moment of clarity (although of slightly less profound meaning...), it came to me, "this is WAY better than wine!"...wait wait WAIT michelle...hold on a second...don't get ahead of yourself...think about what you are saying right now...SLOW DOOOWWWN with this crazy talk
but it was true! i felt AMAZING! i honestly felt the best i have probably felt in weeks! i was breathing heavy, sweating, floating along the streets of chicago. so alert, yet so relaxed...it was such a high! i looked down at my garmin and realized i was running a SEVEN minute mile and was feeling great...WHAAATT. (this may be normal for some of you...but this is definitely not the case for me). i felt such a flow...like, a complete absence of resistance...just there, in that exact moment, soaking it up. and the only thing i could immediately relate it to was that initial buzz i get with wine. when suddenly it seems that everything melts away, but instead of melting away from you, it's like it melts INTO you or something, and you are completely soaked in the moment...just flowing with it.
so, wow...that's why people like drugs...and that's why i like running.
but, before i start tooting my own horn about how i'm so "healthy" and so not into that "drug" thing...let me first digress and reminisce about some things that immediately came to mind from my past. and, yes, they all include marijuana...and probably lots of alcohol...and, oftentimes, some blackjack dessert pizza... ;-) which was always amazing...honestly, it never got old. oh college...the only time in life when completely inappropriate behavior is completely appropriate. gotta love it ;-)
so, in college, i dated a complete music addict. he was that kid wearing the huge bose headphones before it was cool to wear bose headphones. and, he was a stoner. shocker...right?? i can honestly say, i had never before and have never since spent as much sincere time and energy on constructing the perfect mix as i did in college with drew. he loved it...and he honestly ROCKED at it. and then we discovered the splitter...the handy electronic that allowed us both to listen to the same music at the SAME EXACT TIME on headphones. this was probably a stoner's dream come true...and i was COMPLETELY on board...
walking around the colorado campus at night with headphones on, the crisp mountain air, and the buzz of a buzz...i honestly thought i was having religious moments. and maybe i was! i was in the "soundtrack of life", completely consumed by the music, the surroundings...completely in the moment. i think back to that, and have vivid pictures of drew and i catching eyes while walking, our eyes lighting up, and immediately exploding into a contagious giggle of pure excitement...it was just that amazing...ha!
i think it's pretty rare to find those moments when your inner life just seems completely in sync with the world around you...but, my god...when you feel it, it truly is amazing. drugs and alcohol get you there...and i can't lie that i feel i've had some pretty amazing experiences with that too...but they also cloud.
the high i got from my run today stayed with me for HOURS. i taught an amazing yoga class afterwards...still flowing...and connected with more of my students than ever before. it was such a heartwarming, giving, and loving experience for me. it came from such a place of fullness within me that i was almost shocked i was capable of it.
FLOW. SURRENDER. such easy words to say, but so difficult to actually embody. that perfect glass of wine, or the high of marijuana help us shed our thoughts of resistance and open our eyes to the present. but without wine or weed, the natural flow we crave may seem less possible...
running, the runner's high, meditation...what amazing forces these have been in my life. they have provided me with the glimpses of flow i need to make it impossible to deny how capable we are to really do it on our own.
maybe weed and wine are amazing...but i think running is better...
i think...
haha
check out the chemical brother's music video for star guitar. soundtrack to life...the beat matches the environment. and, although this may have been one of my stoner obsessions in college...it just seems so applicable here. when your inner music and your outer world combine...there's nothing like it. maybe this can be a starting point...
oh, and PLEASE, put headphones on
to the flow!
i can't yet say i'm a wine "snob" per se...because, unfortunately, i am still buying the 10 dollar bottle of wine i find in my building's convenient store...BUT, i'm not a lost cause all together. my boss, more recently, has discovered that i like wine also. and because he IS actually verging on wine snob, he has brought me into his passion for wine with gusto. office meetings that do not include wine are definitely more surprising than ones that do (in all honesty, i cannot remember the last time an office meeting did not include SOME type of alcohol...!). but, all joking aside, what i really like about it is that he actually really LIKES wine...i mean, not just the buzz you get from it, but, actually the entire wine "experience". he likes the history, the story of the wine's creation, the subtle tastes you may miss if you just guzzle it quickly without thinking. he's an avid support of the decanter, he's a sniffer, a swirler, a "hold it in your mouth" kind of wine drinker.
i've started to appreciate wine differently in the past year, but, can still definitely say that the warmth, the buzz, that i get from wine is still probably my largest motivator for drinking it. and, the more i like it for other reasons as well, the more i find myself daydreaming about that perfect glass of red i will be drinking later with dinner...or, maybe in my office, prior to going home...and the way my day will melt away as i slowly sip that delicious drink :-) oooh...delicious! what a wonderful experience! it seems sometimes that nothing could be better.
but, today, while i ran, in maybe another zen of marathon training moment of clarity (although of slightly less profound meaning...), it came to me, "this is WAY better than wine!"...wait wait WAIT michelle...hold on a second...don't get ahead of yourself...think about what you are saying right now...SLOW DOOOWWWN with this crazy talk
but it was true! i felt AMAZING! i honestly felt the best i have probably felt in weeks! i was breathing heavy, sweating, floating along the streets of chicago. so alert, yet so relaxed...it was such a high! i looked down at my garmin and realized i was running a SEVEN minute mile and was feeling great...WHAAATT. (this may be normal for some of you...but this is definitely not the case for me). i felt such a flow...like, a complete absence of resistance...just there, in that exact moment, soaking it up. and the only thing i could immediately relate it to was that initial buzz i get with wine. when suddenly it seems that everything melts away, but instead of melting away from you, it's like it melts INTO you or something, and you are completely soaked in the moment...just flowing with it.
so, wow...that's why people like drugs...and that's why i like running.
but, before i start tooting my own horn about how i'm so "healthy" and so not into that "drug" thing...let me first digress and reminisce about some things that immediately came to mind from my past. and, yes, they all include marijuana...and probably lots of alcohol...and, oftentimes, some blackjack dessert pizza... ;-) which was always amazing...honestly, it never got old. oh college...the only time in life when completely inappropriate behavior is completely appropriate. gotta love it ;-)
so, in college, i dated a complete music addict. he was that kid wearing the huge bose headphones before it was cool to wear bose headphones. and, he was a stoner. shocker...right?? i can honestly say, i had never before and have never since spent as much sincere time and energy on constructing the perfect mix as i did in college with drew. he loved it...and he honestly ROCKED at it. and then we discovered the splitter...the handy electronic that allowed us both to listen to the same music at the SAME EXACT TIME on headphones. this was probably a stoner's dream come true...and i was COMPLETELY on board...
walking around the colorado campus at night with headphones on, the crisp mountain air, and the buzz of a buzz...i honestly thought i was having religious moments. and maybe i was! i was in the "soundtrack of life", completely consumed by the music, the surroundings...completely in the moment. i think back to that, and have vivid pictures of drew and i catching eyes while walking, our eyes lighting up, and immediately exploding into a contagious giggle of pure excitement...it was just that amazing...ha!
i think it's pretty rare to find those moments when your inner life just seems completely in sync with the world around you...but, my god...when you feel it, it truly is amazing. drugs and alcohol get you there...and i can't lie that i feel i've had some pretty amazing experiences with that too...but they also cloud.
the high i got from my run today stayed with me for HOURS. i taught an amazing yoga class afterwards...still flowing...and connected with more of my students than ever before. it was such a heartwarming, giving, and loving experience for me. it came from such a place of fullness within me that i was almost shocked i was capable of it.
FLOW. SURRENDER. such easy words to say, but so difficult to actually embody. that perfect glass of wine, or the high of marijuana help us shed our thoughts of resistance and open our eyes to the present. but without wine or weed, the natural flow we crave may seem less possible...
running, the runner's high, meditation...what amazing forces these have been in my life. they have provided me with the glimpses of flow i need to make it impossible to deny how capable we are to really do it on our own.
maybe weed and wine are amazing...but i think running is better...
i think...
haha
check out the chemical brother's music video for star guitar. soundtrack to life...the beat matches the environment. and, although this may have been one of my stoner obsessions in college...it just seems so applicable here. when your inner music and your outer world combine...there's nothing like it. maybe this can be a starting point...
oh, and PLEASE, put headphones on
to the flow!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
i am feeling a bit angry at the atlantic ocean today...
holy sh**
What a way to start my day.
I think I've pretty much settled on the idea that all break ups are a bit traumatic. This idea first occurred to me when I broke up with my ex boyfriend Luke...at a GAS STATION...in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin on a fucking "picnic area" bench. Yeah, you know, those places they want you to believe are actually a nice place to enjoy a meal outdoors...on the side of a HIGHWAY with who knows who lurking in the nasty bathrooms nearby doing who knows what...? Yeah, that's where we broke up. Then I got back in my car and drove to a WEDDING (aka love fest) and watched the happy couple dance their first song to "our song". Shoot me now. I felt like I was exploding from the inside out...i mean, really?!
So, I recently broke up with a wonderful man who, unfortunately, lives in Oslo. the whole relationship was such a whirlwind that i find myself currently mourning a relationship i am almost in disbelief ever actually happened. but, regardless of that, the fact that he lives in oslo meant that this wonderful break up occured over VIDEO chat..and the fact that there is a 6 hour time change between our cities means this happened while I was at WORK...sitting in my bosses office...with patients piling up in the waiting room, i was sitting in an office chair, having one of the most personal moments i could have imagined on a COMPUTER. and as the patients waited, i experienced the trauma of talking my way through a break up i didn't want, unable to hug, kiss, or even TOUCH the person i cared for so much. we cried and sniffled, and i looked longingly at a computer screen the size of my body (my boss is very into computers) wishing i could take away the atlantic ocean for good, reach into that computer screen and teleport my way to norway...FUCK that body of water. i know i've enjoyed it many times, but i really really REALLY hated the atlantic ocean at that moment. all those fun east coast trips seemed worth giving up at that exact moment if that ocean would promise to just disappear.
the traumatic portion of the break up really occurred when the video ended and i found myself sobbing in a work bathroom, trying to get my shit together so i could TATTOO a NIPPLE on a patient who had been waiting for over an hour. and, as my red eyes met hers, the awkward silence that followed could have killed you. "you're going to put a NEEDLE into my skin when you look like THAT?! don't get that thing close to me..." she didn't really say that, but i could see it in her eyes. and when she finally did speak, over the buzz of the tattoo machine, she sheepishly asked me "can you rupture my implant with that?" wow...so now my greif stricken face has brought her to fear me! i must really look bad. i felt horrible...and sank back into despair...and i couldn't help but think about how painful and traumatic my morning had been, mostly for the fact that i had to share it with my coworkers and patients...almost MORE than i was even able to share it with the person i was breaking up with...
letting go of this relationship will be hard. just seeing the word "surrender" on my foot has brought on some large sighs in the past few days, and a somewhat knee jerk reaction to wish it were just NOT THERE...why did i get that DAMN TATTOO ANYWAYS?! but, alas, letting go must occur...and for me it has manifested thus far in allowing my sadness; crying in yoga through a sun A and sun B or crying in the bathroom outside the OR after I haphazardly impaled my finger on a needle. no, it didn't hurt that much...and no, it's just not that scary when it really comes down to it...but it really was an instigator for feeling the pain i am currently carrying...it's as if that needle popped my outer shell holding everything in...and suddenly it came gushing out.
one of my friends recently recounted a story about his breakup...it's f'ing hilarious, and i highly recommend reading it (here) the highlights being a crying man, a naked woman, a grinding lap dance, and a nice pat on the head. i read it the day i broke up with jorgen, and it honestly was the first time i had smiled all day. it seemed like something out of a movie...but, within about 3 hours of my breakup, i found myself lamenting my failed relationship in what seemed like a similar situation...in the company of my patients (most of whom were usually naked, and hanging out comfortably with their breasts in between our sad gazes), i ended up talking about love...it seemed much too close to my friends story...good thing i'm not into women...
it feels great to find things to laugh about when trying to let go. laughing is honestly one of the best feelings EVER...i truly believe that...
so when i found myself sadly looking over the facebook profile of the man i love in norway, i couldn't help but laugh when i clicked on his location and noticed the bottom of the page. oh, iphone, you're so smart...you actually figure out MY location, and tell me how far i am from HIS location! and lo' and behold, my lovely iphone pointed out the stark truth...at that moment, we were four THOUSAND and 30 miles away from each other. yeah...THOUSAND...FOUR THOUSAND...and don't forget the 30.
sooo, SHIT...there in lies the truth of the matter. that atlantic ocean stands between us...and it's just not going away. denial sometimes may have convinced me otherwise, but, alas, it is still there. and although so much goes into why a relationship doesn't work, this large body of water really probably was one of our largest obstacles...
and so i surrender. i look at the tattoo on my foot...i feel the aftershock of the giggle i just had, and i allow it to radiate through my sadness. somehow i muster a smile that this is my reality and that i must allow it to be, and the love that guides me though life returns to my consciousness. my love will always survive...as long as i remember to honor my truth, rejoice in my abundance, and surrender to what is...
to love :-)
the traumatic portion of the break up really occurred when the video ended and i found myself sobbing in a work bathroom, trying to get my shit together so i could TATTOO a NIPPLE on a patient who had been waiting for over an hour. and, as my red eyes met hers, the awkward silence that followed could have killed you. "you're going to put a NEEDLE into my skin when you look like THAT?! don't get that thing close to me..." she didn't really say that, but i could see it in her eyes. and when she finally did speak, over the buzz of the tattoo machine, she sheepishly asked me "can you rupture my implant with that?" wow...so now my greif stricken face has brought her to fear me! i must really look bad. i felt horrible...and sank back into despair...and i couldn't help but think about how painful and traumatic my morning had been, mostly for the fact that i had to share it with my coworkers and patients...almost MORE than i was even able to share it with the person i was breaking up with...
letting go of this relationship will be hard. just seeing the word "surrender" on my foot has brought on some large sighs in the past few days, and a somewhat knee jerk reaction to wish it were just NOT THERE...why did i get that DAMN TATTOO ANYWAYS?! but, alas, letting go must occur...and for me it has manifested thus far in allowing my sadness; crying in yoga through a sun A and sun B or crying in the bathroom outside the OR after I haphazardly impaled my finger on a needle. no, it didn't hurt that much...and no, it's just not that scary when it really comes down to it...but it really was an instigator for feeling the pain i am currently carrying...it's as if that needle popped my outer shell holding everything in...and suddenly it came gushing out.
one of my friends recently recounted a story about his breakup...it's f'ing hilarious, and i highly recommend reading it (here) the highlights being a crying man, a naked woman, a grinding lap dance, and a nice pat on the head. i read it the day i broke up with jorgen, and it honestly was the first time i had smiled all day. it seemed like something out of a movie...but, within about 3 hours of my breakup, i found myself lamenting my failed relationship in what seemed like a similar situation...in the company of my patients (most of whom were usually naked, and hanging out comfortably with their breasts in between our sad gazes), i ended up talking about love...it seemed much too close to my friends story...good thing i'm not into women...
it feels great to find things to laugh about when trying to let go. laughing is honestly one of the best feelings EVER...i truly believe that...
so when i found myself sadly looking over the facebook profile of the man i love in norway, i couldn't help but laugh when i clicked on his location and noticed the bottom of the page. oh, iphone, you're so smart...you actually figure out MY location, and tell me how far i am from HIS location! and lo' and behold, my lovely iphone pointed out the stark truth...at that moment, we were four THOUSAND and 30 miles away from each other. yeah...THOUSAND...FOUR THOUSAND...and don't forget the 30.
sooo, SHIT...there in lies the truth of the matter. that atlantic ocean stands between us...and it's just not going away. denial sometimes may have convinced me otherwise, but, alas, it is still there. and although so much goes into why a relationship doesn't work, this large body of water really probably was one of our largest obstacles...
and so i surrender. i look at the tattoo on my foot...i feel the aftershock of the giggle i just had, and i allow it to radiate through my sadness. somehow i muster a smile that this is my reality and that i must allow it to be, and the love that guides me though life returns to my consciousness. my love will always survive...as long as i remember to honor my truth, rejoice in my abundance, and surrender to what is...
to love :-)
Monday, April 4, 2011
let's get some ing
my roommate was out of town this weekend. and just so you understand the enormity of this fact, let me preface by saying that my roommate and I pretty much do everything together. in fact, we have fallen into calling each other "life partners" as of late for this very reason. and spending two weeks in thailand and cambodia together just strengthened this fact. if only she had sex eyes for me ;-) haha. but, that's a whole different story!
so, returning to the point, she was out of town this weekend. and, although I can honestly say i had a moment of "wait, you're going to be gone ALL weekend...?!" when she first told me, I also felt a bit of excitement over the fact that I was going to have the place to myself..."me time"...oh the delight! it has been a while...
I wasn't sure exactly how i would fill my time, and can honestly say that i never really put much thought into organizing all the time I had. unlike my past habits of needing to stay busy all the time, almost to the point of apprehension and fear of stillness, i made no plans, and just basically flowed through my weekend.
so, in true michelle form, here is how my weekend manifested:
so, returning to the point, she was out of town this weekend. and, although I can honestly say i had a moment of "wait, you're going to be gone ALL weekend...?!" when she first told me, I also felt a bit of excitement over the fact that I was going to have the place to myself..."me time"...oh the delight! it has been a while...
I wasn't sure exactly how i would fill my time, and can honestly say that i never really put much thought into organizing all the time I had. unlike my past habits of needing to stay busy all the time, almost to the point of apprehension and fear of stillness, i made no plans, and just basically flowed through my weekend.
so, in true michelle form, here is how my weekend manifested:
- on friday, prior to leaving work, i had an "office meeting" which involved wine and venezuelan orange rum...needless to say, it was a very warm and giggly office meeting for me
- friday evening continued with a wonderful high school reunion at an awesome concert, and an introspective thought provoking interaction with a soft tshirt (yes, i am THAT into tshirts currently)
- 2 hours later, i found myself falling in love with my sister all over again at a random restaurant in who knows where chicago...with a freshly baked loaf of bread on the table...which i almost drooled on pretty much immediately
- among the activities, i also found time to purchase my favorite cereal (and minor obsession) lucky charms...and also shed myself of unneeded clothes and dance around my apartment with headphones on (i HIGHLY recommend this activity...probably the highlight of my weekend)
- saturday was an amazing earth focused day- I repotted plants with my ex-boyfriend (refreshingly normal and friendly, which is heart warming), taught an amazing yoga class to some newbies and regulars, and then soaked up my own yoga practice while overlooking the beautiful city
- sweaty and stretched out, i purchased a clean outfit so i could immediately ride to a neighborhood foreign to me and shared tapas and wine with some fellow yogis, all previously strangers to me...
- and what could top the night? i then rode solo to a friend's place and listened to some old friends put on a live, intimate cello and piano concert...UMM, YESSSSS
- and an hour after that...fast forward to michelle AGAIN dancing in her apartment with headphones on- this time in leggings and a tank...oh yes, it was a killer dance party this time...please listen to ramona falls if you have not already done so...
- as a side note, saturday evening was also filled with some delicious late night snacks...within 15 hours of being "on my own", i had successfully eaten an entire box of lucky charms. stellar.
- and then sunday arrived...and i did taxes...and reminisced about my personal finances for a year that included starting two personal businesses as a yoga instructor and a lumi lovin entrepreneur...ran 8 miles in 70 degree weather (thank you chicago for this encouragement that winter MIGHT actually be over soon) and i rode my bike aimlessly until i found myself at devanti enoteca enjoying a quartino, delicious pasta and chocolate without a care in the world
so, if any of you are interested, this book is my latest commitment to myself...and as i read and blog about in in the future, feel free to follow along. i'm sure my "me time" will continue to evolve from the delight of my past weekend into...who knows what...and i'm so excited to see what comes out of it! i'm sure it will be a wonderful adventure, and i'd love to share it with you.
let's get some -ing ;-)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
the nature of god
i don't know about anyone else, but i can honestly say that every time i walk into an REI, i drop all thoughts of heels, dresses, and classy outings, and immediately begin planning my life as a mountain woman, camper, rugged outdoorsy hiking hippie! haha. it's really a pretty interesting thing to observe i'm sure...whereas yesterday I was contemplating which high heels to wear with my skinny jeans, today I am trying to decide between the sunblocking quick dry shorts or the board shorts...or, even more difficult a decision, should i buy the keen hiking sandles or the chacos?
like...WHAT?! when is the last time i wore ANY of this shit?! probably when i backpacked in europe...when i only had 3 outfits for an entire 2 months...when i was NINETEEN.
so what's the draw? the first thing that comes to mind for me is "the nature of god". could this be the answer?
last night, i rode my bike home from a friend's place around midnight and rode right through the financial district in downtown chicago. if some of you have never seen this area, it is literally the exact shot of gotham city from the dark night (i mean, really...they shot it there) where they are on the train and see a cool shot of all the tall buildings and the gotham tower in the distance...yes, that is the chicago financial district. in all it's grandeur, gotham city aka chicago, is really one big slab of cement in this part of town. the streets are wide, curbs hit side walks, and sidewalks hit stone buildings on all sides. at one point on my bike, i honestly just felt like i was in a cement cube...! on the other hand, it really is a breathtaking place (if you can appreciate that kind of thing). buildings lit up, so tall but still, flags of our country and states flapping in the soft breeze...the stark power of that place is something i cannot deny...
as i rode through this part of town in silence, and took in the intensity of the place, i suddenly felt in awe of all the money that is considered here on a daily basis. honestly, it was bit mind blowing! as a younger adult, i am sure my closest family and friends would not have been surprised to hear me say that I hated money. today, i think that hatred has at least softened, and, thankfully, I can at least now have a calm discussion about it. but, it really still boggles my mind sometimes...how an invented worth drives so much of our daily lives. my boss often says, "if you don't understand why something works the way it does, the answer is usually money". so, this place...consumed by the movement of MONEY...this reality all the sudden hit me...
and with that thought, it suddenly became glaringly clear to me how LITTLE connection to earth there was in this cement-filled chicago hot spot. NO trees, NO grass, barely even a glimpse of SKY...no EARTH. our obsession with money had fueled this feat of human civilization, had CREATED so much man made grandeur (!), but, in that, had lost all sense of nature.
people often describe the essence of god as nature. the power, beauty, strength, and flow of nature is undeniably an often immediate reminder of our powerlessness and our individual connection to something much MUCH larger than ourselves. regardless of if you call this god or just nature, it's undeniably a power larger than us. even the least religious or spiritual of people have trouble denying the way they feel staring at a breathtaking vista of our world's natural beauty. :-) aaaah, just thinking about it now brings me there!
is it surprising, then, that we constantly feel a draw to nature? that i walk into an outdoor apparel store, and immediately begin daydreaming about leaving my life of hoarding physical possessions behind for the more fulfilling life I could find in nature?? i think not...
and what of the opposite then? it seems it becomes easier to deny this spiritual draw to god when we no longer feel connected to nature. among the tall buildings, the wide streets, and the cement cube of the financial district, money seems to be a logical driving force. in this setting, it's easier to get on board for that ride through life...i mean, right?
when i recently traveled in asia, i felt constantly blown away by the beauty of the nature around me. and, slowly, i also began to let go of my obsession with personal belongings. i cared less about my clothes, my appearance, buying things, collecting material possessions...it just all seemed so silly compared to soaking up ALL that was around me. WOW, there was SO MUCH to soak up!! and, in the one instance that this actually came into my conscious mind as a realization of change, i thought about how easily I could get along without ever buying anything new...
THE NATURE OF GOD.
it lives within us all...but it seems we have made it easier to let go of in our development of modern culture. but the power of nature still exists...and i realize it each time i go into that REI, or see the sun rising over lake michigan, or sit on the beach hearing the breeze and the waves lapping on the shore. suddenly those things that felt hard, painful, or frustrating in my material life can fade away. and, in that moment, the nature of god around me ignites within me as well...and i feel i am a better version of myself...
:-) the nature of god. notice it outside of you, and let it ignite within you :-)
like...WHAT?! when is the last time i wore ANY of this shit?! probably when i backpacked in europe...when i only had 3 outfits for an entire 2 months...when i was NINETEEN.
so what's the draw? the first thing that comes to mind for me is "the nature of god". could this be the answer?
last night, i rode my bike home from a friend's place around midnight and rode right through the financial district in downtown chicago. if some of you have never seen this area, it is literally the exact shot of gotham city from the dark night (i mean, really...they shot it there) where they are on the train and see a cool shot of all the tall buildings and the gotham tower in the distance...yes, that is the chicago financial district. in all it's grandeur, gotham city aka chicago, is really one big slab of cement in this part of town. the streets are wide, curbs hit side walks, and sidewalks hit stone buildings on all sides. at one point on my bike, i honestly just felt like i was in a cement cube...! on the other hand, it really is a breathtaking place (if you can appreciate that kind of thing). buildings lit up, so tall but still, flags of our country and states flapping in the soft breeze...the stark power of that place is something i cannot deny...
as i rode through this part of town in silence, and took in the intensity of the place, i suddenly felt in awe of all the money that is considered here on a daily basis. honestly, it was bit mind blowing! as a younger adult, i am sure my closest family and friends would not have been surprised to hear me say that I hated money. today, i think that hatred has at least softened, and, thankfully, I can at least now have a calm discussion about it. but, it really still boggles my mind sometimes...how an invented worth drives so much of our daily lives. my boss often says, "if you don't understand why something works the way it does, the answer is usually money". so, this place...consumed by the movement of MONEY...this reality all the sudden hit me...
and with that thought, it suddenly became glaringly clear to me how LITTLE connection to earth there was in this cement-filled chicago hot spot. NO trees, NO grass, barely even a glimpse of SKY...no EARTH. our obsession with money had fueled this feat of human civilization, had CREATED so much man made grandeur (!), but, in that, had lost all sense of nature.
people often describe the essence of god as nature. the power, beauty, strength, and flow of nature is undeniably an often immediate reminder of our powerlessness and our individual connection to something much MUCH larger than ourselves. regardless of if you call this god or just nature, it's undeniably a power larger than us. even the least religious or spiritual of people have trouble denying the way they feel staring at a breathtaking vista of our world's natural beauty. :-) aaaah, just thinking about it now brings me there!
is it surprising, then, that we constantly feel a draw to nature? that i walk into an outdoor apparel store, and immediately begin daydreaming about leaving my life of hoarding physical possessions behind for the more fulfilling life I could find in nature?? i think not...
and what of the opposite then? it seems it becomes easier to deny this spiritual draw to god when we no longer feel connected to nature. among the tall buildings, the wide streets, and the cement cube of the financial district, money seems to be a logical driving force. in this setting, it's easier to get on board for that ride through life...i mean, right?
when i recently traveled in asia, i felt constantly blown away by the beauty of the nature around me. and, slowly, i also began to let go of my obsession with personal belongings. i cared less about my clothes, my appearance, buying things, collecting material possessions...it just all seemed so silly compared to soaking up ALL that was around me. WOW, there was SO MUCH to soak up!! and, in the one instance that this actually came into my conscious mind as a realization of change, i thought about how easily I could get along without ever buying anything new...
THE NATURE OF GOD.
it lives within us all...but it seems we have made it easier to let go of in our development of modern culture. but the power of nature still exists...and i realize it each time i go into that REI, or see the sun rising over lake michigan, or sit on the beach hearing the breeze and the waves lapping on the shore. suddenly those things that felt hard, painful, or frustrating in my material life can fade away. and, in that moment, the nature of god around me ignites within me as well...and i feel i am a better version of myself...
:-) the nature of god. notice it outside of you, and let it ignite within you :-)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
spring cleaning...and fixing
i taught a whole yoga class thursday based on spring cleaning. no, i didn't have my class help me sweep, mop, and straighten up the studio...although, that could be somewhat meditative ;-) for me maybe more so for them. haha
instead, we did some cleaning from the inside out. and what better way to initiate that than with some juicy hip openers. ooh, the HIPS. they hold so much tension! i can personally say that I have cried multiple times in hip opener yoga classes. (try a class with elisa at CPY south loop...maybe it's just me, but i'm pretty sure she is specifically skilled in the area of encouraging crying ...ridiculous).
so, one hour later, my class was sitting in prone frog on the floor in the yoga studio...hips OOOOPPPPEEEEENN. it was delicious :-) it was a great class, and we all clapped afterwards. :-)
but, i woke up the next morning sore; my inner thighs screaming as if I had BROKEN them open! the spring cleaning I had been so craving really dug in to my support system- my hips, the most stable and load bearing part of my physical body, felt broken down. and it made me think of my spiritual body "spring cleaning". in some of my most expansive spiritual moments, my recovery afterwards has often felt slightly broken down...raw...exposed.
today, i spent the morning tending to and pruning plants. removing the dead leaves, the bulky weight of things no longer of use to the plant. they looked slimmed afterwords, slightly exposed, fragile...but...healthy :-) i felt joy in their release of things unneeded and was reminded of my own spring cleaning yet again.
after a long winter of beating on my body and storing physical, emotional, and spiritual stressers in any place possible, i begin to feel the need for spring cleaning...for the opening of my body to cleaning and fixing the bruised and battered parts that need letting go of...
and as i shed things no longer needed...as i let go in my physical body in my hips...as i let go of oppressive emotions and patterns...my raw and pruned body emerges healthier and ready to grow.
and as if my bike is an extension of my physical body, the glaring need for spring cleaning (and fixing) slapped me in the face today as i actually lost my lock out the SIDE of my basket. the straw that broke the camels back, one last bump, and the basket literally burst open, spilling the contents of my basket onto the pavement below...
it is TIME. let's clean...let's fix. let's expose the burdens of winter and uncover the raw and healthy portions underneath...let's spring :-)
instead, we did some cleaning from the inside out. and what better way to initiate that than with some juicy hip openers. ooh, the HIPS. they hold so much tension! i can personally say that I have cried multiple times in hip opener yoga classes. (try a class with elisa at CPY south loop...maybe it's just me, but i'm pretty sure she is specifically skilled in the area of encouraging crying ...ridiculous).
so, one hour later, my class was sitting in prone frog on the floor in the yoga studio...hips OOOOPPPPEEEEENN. it was delicious :-) it was a great class, and we all clapped afterwards. :-)
but, i woke up the next morning sore; my inner thighs screaming as if I had BROKEN them open! the spring cleaning I had been so craving really dug in to my support system- my hips, the most stable and load bearing part of my physical body, felt broken down. and it made me think of my spiritual body "spring cleaning". in some of my most expansive spiritual moments, my recovery afterwards has often felt slightly broken down...raw...exposed.
today, i spent the morning tending to and pruning plants. removing the dead leaves, the bulky weight of things no longer of use to the plant. they looked slimmed afterwords, slightly exposed, fragile...but...healthy :-) i felt joy in their release of things unneeded and was reminded of my own spring cleaning yet again.
after a long winter of beating on my body and storing physical, emotional, and spiritual stressers in any place possible, i begin to feel the need for spring cleaning...for the opening of my body to cleaning and fixing the bruised and battered parts that need letting go of...
and as i shed things no longer needed...as i let go in my physical body in my hips...as i let go of oppressive emotions and patterns...my raw and pruned body emerges healthier and ready to grow.
and as if my bike is an extension of my physical body, the glaring need for spring cleaning (and fixing) slapped me in the face today as i actually lost my lock out the SIDE of my basket. the straw that broke the camels back, one last bump, and the basket literally burst open, spilling the contents of my basket onto the pavement below...
it is TIME. let's clean...let's fix. let's expose the burdens of winter and uncover the raw and healthy portions underneath...let's spring :-)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
happily ever after...
you know that scene in a movie, usually at the end, where the protagonist has finally overcome her struggle and begins anew? The sky clears, the sun shines...maybe a bird is chirping...and you watch the character take a deep breathe, smile, and take in the warm sun on her face. Happily ever after :) aaaah :)
Is it inherent in the character's happiness that she just overcame some powerful evil?? Can you only enjoy the calm when it follows a storm?
It's true in my life that I have found some of my most profound peace after surrendering in a huge struggle. This is actually exactly what started my spiritual journey, this blog, and, ultimately, completely changed my life course. But, what about now? I must say, I feel very steady and grounded in life right now. I have a stable career, i live in a great city, i have great friends, and a loving and supportive family. As my readers may know, my love life is a bit...hmmm...i don't even know (?!), but I surprisingly feel very calm in my love right now...which is wonderful
so, point being, I'm not feeling any major life traumas needing to be surmounted. I don't have any huge storms brewing, and don't feel like I just watched the clouds part...I'm just living my normal life...with a little love drama in the mix to light my fire. Same old, same old ;-) for the most part...
i had a moment this morning, walking to work, when I suddenly felt like I "checked in". i was listening to music, thinking about my night last night, planning my day today...completely out of touch with what i was ACTUALLY doing. and, suddenly, there i was...in an amazingly beautiful ray of sunlight, walking through a park. i caught the eye of a morning dog walker, and their fluffy little mess of a dog...i felt a cool breeze on my cheeks...and the blaze of the sun as it hit my eyes...and i suddenly had this unstoppable urge to smile...and i smiled BIG! it was delicious :-)
where was this BEFORE?! how had I JUST noticed?
it made me think...or maybe, STOP thinking...and just soak up my present moment. for all that it is...for the I AM...my only true self is in this moment and this moment only. and this moment has all that i need and more...at least it does, if i ALLOW myself to see it ;-)
during my last session with maureen, we did a guided meditation into my heart. I allowed my heart to open...and with the images and feelings this created within me, felt more alive than I could have ever imagined. I actually started giggling shortly thereafter...so much joy, I felt like a little kid with a case of the giggles! wonderful :-) through the giggling, I asked maureen, "do people actually live there life from this place ALL THE TIME?!" and, with a startled giggle in response she said, "of course!"
let my practice begin :-) let the giggling begin! let the happily ever after be the happily ever NOW :-)
spreading light and love within and without. happy thursday!
Is it inherent in the character's happiness that she just overcame some powerful evil?? Can you only enjoy the calm when it follows a storm?
It's true in my life that I have found some of my most profound peace after surrendering in a huge struggle. This is actually exactly what started my spiritual journey, this blog, and, ultimately, completely changed my life course. But, what about now? I must say, I feel very steady and grounded in life right now. I have a stable career, i live in a great city, i have great friends, and a loving and supportive family. As my readers may know, my love life is a bit...hmmm...i don't even know (?!), but I surprisingly feel very calm in my love right now...which is wonderful
so, point being, I'm not feeling any major life traumas needing to be surmounted. I don't have any huge storms brewing, and don't feel like I just watched the clouds part...I'm just living my normal life...with a little love drama in the mix to light my fire. Same old, same old ;-) for the most part...
i had a moment this morning, walking to work, when I suddenly felt like I "checked in". i was listening to music, thinking about my night last night, planning my day today...completely out of touch with what i was ACTUALLY doing. and, suddenly, there i was...in an amazingly beautiful ray of sunlight, walking through a park. i caught the eye of a morning dog walker, and their fluffy little mess of a dog...i felt a cool breeze on my cheeks...and the blaze of the sun as it hit my eyes...and i suddenly had this unstoppable urge to smile...and i smiled BIG! it was delicious :-)
where was this BEFORE?! how had I JUST noticed?
it made me think...or maybe, STOP thinking...and just soak up my present moment. for all that it is...for the I AM...my only true self is in this moment and this moment only. and this moment has all that i need and more...at least it does, if i ALLOW myself to see it ;-)
during my last session with maureen, we did a guided meditation into my heart. I allowed my heart to open...and with the images and feelings this created within me, felt more alive than I could have ever imagined. I actually started giggling shortly thereafter...so much joy, I felt like a little kid with a case of the giggles! wonderful :-) through the giggling, I asked maureen, "do people actually live there life from this place ALL THE TIME?!" and, with a startled giggle in response she said, "of course!"
let my practice begin :-) let the giggling begin! let the happily ever after be the happily ever NOW :-)
spreading light and love within and without. happy thursday!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Avoiding pain
as i sit in anticipation of the pain i fear i will be feeling later, it just occurred to me how avoiding pain is oftentimes a powerful driving force in our emotional lives. understandably, our mind guides us to avoid physical pain in an effort to keep us alive. but, what does avoiding emotional pain really accomplish for us? the only thing i see it doing is restricting me from experiencing life fully. isn't there a common saying, it's not worth it if it's not worth fighting for?
one of my good friends used to always stimulate conversation with ridiculously heavy "life" questions. for a while there, one of his favorites (and this would come out while out at a bar or something ridiculous like that...) was, "what are you willing to suffer for?" he thought of passion as something you were willing to suffer for; and, in that, your suffering, you realize how much it means to you. he liked to probe people's motivations, find out about their deepest driving forces...and what better way to get there, than to understand what they are passionate about.
i looked up the definition of passion, and here's what i found:
PASSION
-noun
- any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate
- strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor
- strong sexual desire; lust
- an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire
- a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire
- a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music
- the object of such fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
- an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
- violent anger
- the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, especially something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action)
- Theology
- the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper
- the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the gospels
- Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr
like, what? first of all, how can so many different words describe the same concept?? and, secondly, yes, quite interestingly, this word does have a relationship with suffering, or being a victim. as if the things we are passionate about only create pain and victimization...and leave us nailed on a CROSS?! my god! this makes me never want to fall in love.
so, my friend may have been right; passion is what you are willing to suffer for. am i willing to suffer for love? in a society where we seem obsessed with romantic comedies, love songs, tragic plays about love so strong people kill for it...is this really at the heart of our motivation for life? sometimes it seems this is exactly NOT what we actually manifest in life. and as i sit here contemplating the pain i may experience due to the loss of a relationship i cherish, a part of me is quickly saying "f*** this, i NEVER want to do this again!!" no matter how much i feel drawn to those love stories, i seem highly motivated to avoid them!!
but why is my ego telling me this story? self preservation? is pain actually going to threaten my SURVIVAL? what an interesting way to step outside my mind's story; a story that is constantly telling me, "protect! close off! run away!". my fight or flight reaction to emotional pain feels almost exactly like that of physical survival...but there isn't truly any life threatening danger...
stepping outside of my emotions allows me to realize my mistake. this pain will not kill me...but i will feel suffering. passion creates suffering, sometimes due to love or even hatred, but suffering is not a threat to my being...it is just another hill on the roller coaster of life...the exhilarating ride that at times brings elation, fear, joy, sadness...but you always end up reaching the end...whether you enjoyed the ride is completely up to you...whether you allowed your body to rise and fall with each hill and valley, to flow with the powerful force leading you through your ride...is completely up to you.
i watched my grandma die a stubborn and hardened woman. it seems to me she rode the roller coaster of life and held tighter and tighter with each twist, turn, or hill. as i contemplate pain, i see the rationality in this approach. but what of the peaks? can they feel as good if you're holding so tightly? i can't help but lift a finger, then my hand, and then realize i'd rather let go completely and feel the thrills (and valleys) than miss the ride of life that i can't escape anyways...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
cuz i'm keepin it real
"People who keep it real present themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would rather hide."the daily om- one of my favorite daily emails that i all too often do not spend enough time to read! this reminds me of the importance of "keepin it real" ;-) said in the most formal of ways, or course. it reminded me of when i decided to not lie about ANYTHING for a while. and although it was slightly frightening at times, it was so freeing! i felt like i had exponentially increased my energy, happiness, and my feeling of ease. no need to spend energy on hiding anything, no need to be something that i naturally was not...and, beyond that, such a strong way to notice my downfalls and actually ADDRESS my own shit...! read the full article here .
if it could ever be said that there is an "easy" button for life, my first gut reaction would be to say this is it. try it out! it definitely changed my life; it helped me manifest exactly what i wanted in all that i did. and although it was not always easy while it was happening (just due to the unease of actually speaking my truth! what a foreign feeling sometimes!) it got me right exactly where i truly wanted to be, and that was the easiest easy button i could have ever asked for...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
i'm high on life
“All of a sudden, everything familiar started evaporating,” he recalled. “Imagine you fall off a boat out in the open ocean, and you turn around, and the boat is gone. And then the water’s gone. And then you’re gone.”
written by a clinical psychologist after taking shrooms (or, to make those MDs out there feel a little bit better, a purified controlled version of psilocybin, the psychoactive drug found in mushrooms). A 6 hour hallucinogen experience was the turning point in this man's struggle with depression. ready about it here .
interestingly, although i have never experienced shrooms myself, I have learned that my experiences in meditation are extremely similar to this hallucinogenic drug. no drugs needed...
let's get high on life :-)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
happiness is a state of mind
This morning, as I got dressed in the hospital locker room after my morning run, I was struck by a patient sticker I had somehow left on the inside of my locker door. It was for a patient I hadn't seen in months, but could so vividly recall upon seeing her name. thirty years old, diagnosed with breast cancer just before thanksgiving last year. newly married, at her initial consultation, i remember her husband saying "WE are having a bilateral mastectomy". it's the "we" that stood out to me, and continued to do so as I watched her progress through her surgery, expansions, and chemotherapy; they always came in smiling! I see a lot of pain in my job, and I'm sure this patient experienced her fair share of pain, anxiety, and sadness, but the light I always saw between her and her husband was pure happiness...and it always radiated from them, warming me at our every encounter.
whatever I may have felt unhappy about this morning faded away. and i looked at that sticker and immediately smiled. I'm so grateful for all that I learn from my patients! happiness comes from within. choose happiness :-)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
and i digress...
even as i thought i might open my little universe to the world around me, i still find i can't seem to let go of my obsession to search within. my latest find: who is ramtha? i need to know more! a quote i found today that i want to share:
"If I could take all your words away and give you but a sparse few, they would be: ‘I now know, I am absolute, I am complete, I am God, I am.’ If there were no other words but these, you would no longer be limited to this plane."
the zen of marathon training...
...or just walking in the rain in Chicago...
today's zen thought: "the answer is never outside of you"
Saturday, March 19, 2011
the zen of motorcycle maintenance
i just started reading a book called "the zen of motorcycle maintenance". excellent book; i would highly recommend it :-) the author delves into ideas of zen as he travels across mid america on a motorcycle. and even if you think you know nothing about motorcycles (or do not even care to know anything about motorcycles), you'll probably find this book still speaks to you :-) i promise...
i don't think i'll be riding across mid america on a motorcycle anytime soon. but, my run today reminded me of this book. just as the author's mind wanders as he rides his beloved motorcycle, my mind wanders during my runs. i've probably had some of my most clear moments while running. i'll call this my zen of marathon training ;-)
so, on a run today, i had this really great realization. it may seem very simple and obvious to some people, but for some reason, this was a whole new light on life for me...ha! i had this thought: fear paralyzes, love ignites
right now, i'm thinking a lot about love and life. whether to pursue love or to let love go...choosing one option can sometimes be just as scary as the other. and, in my rational mind, i feel i am constantly trying to logically understand which option is "best" for me. in my struggle to work through this in my mind, i felt completely out of touch with where my difficult emotions were coming from. if i choose to hold onto love, is it for having love, or for fear of losing love? what are my emotions telling me?
and then...there...in the middle of my angst, the clarity hit: FEAR PARALYZES, LOVE IGNITES.
BAM, new awareness :-) and there's no going back.
so how does this relationship make me feel? do i feel my emotions about it paralyze me or fuel me? well, that just got much easier :-) check in...how does my body feel? do i feel open or closed? do i feel stuck or do i feel expansive? the concept "choose love" just took on a whole new meaning.
choose what fuels you, what ignites your passions...acknowledge fear, but CHOOSE LOVE :-) ignite!
Friday, March 18, 2011
welcome back to reality
yoga alone in a studio...how have i not done that before?
my welcome back to reality after traveling has been a bit harder than i had anticipated! of course, i experienced the usual cringing when returning to responsibility, cold, being busy...but, beyond that, i have an unexpected sense of things changing and unraveling in my life that I just couldn't have anticipated. maybe it's because it seems my life has been constantly accelerating to this point...and now the acceleration is gone...i'm not quite sure. but, last night, after teaching a scuplt yoga class that i wasn't even sure i had the energy for, i practiced yoga by myself in a hot empty yoga studio...with my choice in music playing over the speakers, and only me and my breath to keep me company. it worked wonders...and as an instructor, i'm not quite sure how i've never done that before.
my angel card yesterday was "release". yoga helps me release :-) and as much as change makes me want to hold on, control, and resist, i have to remember the word tattooed on my foot, "surrender". the universe is obviously trying to remind me ;-)
all good things come to me when i release my fear, when i surrender to the present. I allow those things unfolding around me to be experienced by me fully. and from that place of fullness, i will always manifest my truth. i am able to love those around me regardless of our definitions, our differences...and cherish the love i have
yogaaaa. happy friday
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
life goes on...
i haven't blogged in a while...where has my beloved journaling gone? i have missed it!
this year started out with intensity! i think it actually knocked the wind out of me...and in usual michelle form, i kept to the grind until i hit rock bottom and found myself grounded at home, sick...as I come out of it, the many things I have been thinking about over the past month are beginning to flower out of me :-) happy reading
grandma died on 1/6/11...strong start. but, really, it was. what a life-full experience! in death there is life...i really don't know how else to explain it! i watched my grandmother die, and watched all those around her live more than I had ever seen before. WOW. so f'ing interesting...
so, I returned form my norwegian love week on 1/3/11 and literally walked straight off the plane, into a car, and into my grandmother's apartment. her life blows my mind- 93 long years of life...my god, i can't even imagine all she saw. she struggled a bit at the end, and I struggled more than I thought i would. but i celebrated her life with my family, and "oh what a beautiful morning" playing in the background :-) it really was beautiful. now i wear her jewelry and look at pictures of her around my apartment, and feel her presence in my life even after death. that has been an amazing emotional experience.
the experience with my grandmother made me want to write about my acknowledgement of how quickly a year seems to pass...and yet how much actually HAPPENS in a year! i cannot even imagine being back where i was a year ago...it just doesn't seem possible to be BACK THERE again. and yet, it went by so quickly! it seems, in the blink of an eye, i ended up here...and so much different than I was before. it's wonderful to notice all that I was able to create this year, and realize that the simple BELIEF in those developments are what really made them happen. it's also wonderful to notice all that i allowed myself to experience, FULLY, within myself, and realize that it was my simple acknowledgement of MYSELF that allowed them to be. I have never felt more truly myself than i have this year...and look what it has brought me!
i recently read a book about past lives and was amazed by how much it changed my perspective on life. i never really had a strong opinion about past lives...and even now, after reading this book, am still slightly undecided on my personal beliefs about past lives...but it resonated with me so much that i've found it has become a part of almost every interaction i have had since. i cherish the people in my life, and experience them as purposeful spirits in my spiritual path in my current body...does that sound crazy?? maybe...but i honestly do not know how else to say it...this book made me CHERISH
when i look back on this year, i am blown away by how much I feel I have grown, and cannot even express in words how much I have cherished each and every one of these experiences. i believe life is about learning, and looking at one year of learning, i am utterly dumbfounded by what my spirit is in pursuit of learning in this lifetime. how amazing to think about! it must be something big...
this year, i learned:
- that mourning the loss of a loved one is worth celebrating
- that loving someone does not mean holding them up, "fixing" them, or looking to find satisfaction from what they can provide me, but, instead, encouraging them to create and reveling in their creation :-)
- that dreams become reality DAILY, and that discovering my true dreams is the key to success
- that cherishing relationships allows me to accept them for what they are and find myself growing stronger through experiencing them
- that the more i see myself, the more i can see past the physical and mental JUNK in between two people communicating
happy 2011...to another year of expanding!
woohoo!
now, to put all the seriousness aside...music is f'ing AWESOME and rocking in my life right now! I have to make mixes weekly for yoga, and just can't seem to get enough. check out my recent posts to your right :-)
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