sinking into love

maybe i love winter running for the way it makes me sink into the NOW.

today, i had such a pleasant run home. started with a friendly goodbye from my coworkers, the first steps with an amazing song on my headphones...and continued to bring me smiles all the way home. the streetwise guy sang me a "you got it" song, the nonprofit fund raiser gave me a high five, and the only other runner i came across gave me the cordial head nod...i smiled the whole way home...sunk into a warm shower, pj's and leg warmers, and a hot tea... :-) what a wonderful evening...

i am crazy

yesterday, my friendly door man, Don, almost followed me up to my apartment...trailing behind me, he seemingly could not stop exclaiming how crazy i was. why you might ask? because yesterday it was a whopping 6 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and I walked in with my bike (per the usual) after a chilled ride home. mind you, my door man is somewhat of a "special" man- can't do more than one thing at a time, prone to stuttering, maybe a bit socially awkward...? but he's not the only one i've received these crazy comments from. he IS the only one who has followed me, but...it seems everywhere i go lately, people look at me with wide eyes, jaws dropped as they stare at me in amazement as I put on my helmet (over a really attractive hat, mind you), pack up my awesome basket, and take to the cold chicago streets on my masi (oh how i love you bicycle!).

so, it got me to thinking. WHY is this seen as such a crazy thing to do? i mean, come on Chicago, we might hibernate a bit more in the winter, but it's not like the cold is, say, a toxic cloud making all movement in Chicago impossible (oh no! oh my!). is the cold going to kill me?! not so much...the temperature drops, and, suddenly, something I do daily has become the object of so much interest and exclamation, that I honestly am not quite sure how to respond to it anymore. my latest thought has actually been, "you should try it".

and in life...think of those things that people give you crazy looks about. the entrepreneur who had a "crazy" idea and then hit it big...was he crazy? the girlfriend who moved to NYC to date a man she barely knew and fell madly in love with him, got married, and moved to australia...was she crazy?

maybe the crazy looks are really just a mirror of the doers own excitement. and a realization by the observer that those "out of the ordinary" things can and ARE done by people just like them. life IS interesting, and passion filled, and always changing :-) i know i love biking, and feel amazing every time i get off my bike- even if i can't feel my fingers. Don saw that...and trailed me!

this past two years has been an amazing time of growth for me. and when i look back on it, i realize i've gotten a lot of crazy looks. if it began with biking year round, that was just the start! i'm crazy for reading a book and driving to toronto to see the author speak, i'm crazy for teaching more and more yoga, i'm crazy for running a marathon, i'm crazy for going to norway for a cute norwegian love, i'm crazy for starting a passion filled tshirt company...i'm crazy for jumping the night away on a trampoline at a holiday party...

...and i'm crazy happy :-D

let's get crazy!

old "recent loves"

check out my new playlist to the right...out with the old, in the with new...

abundant belly

i think i might have eaten my weight in food yesterday...no really...

i know that is pretty much impossible, but it really felt like it. what HAPPENED?! it started with a spice cake...and ended with a mexican restaurant binge. 9 flour tortillas later, i went to bed feeling like i might never eat again, completely astounded by what had just happened...even better, i woke up this morning literally feeling HUNG OVER. i lost the battle with gluten...AGAIN...damn sticky shit. i swear, it's worse than alcohol sometimes. but oh how i crave it!

so i woke up this morning and barely at breakfast. actually, i barely ate all day! and, for anyone who knows me, they know this is EXTREMELY out of character for me. as drew used to say, i eat like a fat person. yes, this was actually an accepted description of me in college. thank god i was not fat, or i might have found it extremely insulting...

so, hung over from FOOD. now that's just nasty. i even got comments from my patients saying i looked like i had a rough night the night before. yeah, me and the tortillas, we had it out. it was a crazy party...

so, as i detoxed my way through the day, i pondered my recent binge...and it brought me back to the idea of abundance. i've read a lot about abundance in the last few years. or maybe i should say that i've read a lot about our misperception of scarcity. we hoard things, money, love, food, etc etc, as if there isn't enough to sustain us. I see this in the simplest of settings...like watching my mom eat at a table with others...almost nervously eyeing the food and quickly taking a portion of each dish to make sure she gets some. and, believe me, i have definitely done the same! but, i also see it in more complicated situations; at work, or in personal relationships. so many of our fears in these settings seem to stem from an inherent belief that the universe will NOT support our efforts. always on the defense, life is hard, protect yourself at all times...

how does this relate to my tortilla debacle? well, as i assume so many of us do, i eat when i'm stressed. it's pretty ridiculous how repetitive this pattern is for me. stressed out at work, pressed for time, pressured to finish something or rushing to be somewhere/get something done, and the first thing that comes to my mind is all the delicious sweets i'd like to eat with my lunch. or maybe i could just skip lunch and have a cookie...yeah, that seems like a perfectly logical way to get me through this little bump in the road. sugar...check...chocolate...check...NOW i'm ready to tackle this problem! literally, now i'm full, hormones pulsing euphoria through my veins...i am no longer lacking what it takes to make it through this day...but, ten minutes after the sugar settles, i realize i'm just back where i was before with the addition of a lovely sugar headache...and...well, not much else...

so, this is my pattern. it sucks. it's honestly funny to observe and realize how often it happens. and why? because i feel a lack of strength, a lack of abundance, and, instead of finding it within myself, i crave the high of suger to get me through it.

yoga has brought the word "mindful" into my vocabulary in a very new way in the past year. in those moments when my mind is racing, and i'm in search of quick answers, mindfulness reminds me to slow down. obviously mindfulness has not had a strong enough effect on my eating habits...but yesterday might have been just what i needed to bring that concept together with abundance. being mindful, i am able to slow and connect with the abundance of the universe...reassuring myself that i already HAVE all that i need.

a good friend of mine has repeatedly said that your relationship to food is actually a manifestation of your relationship with yourself. and how true this is for me...

it can be applied to every single area of life outside of yourself; your relationship with your lover, your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your friends. relationships take two. and although we may constantly feel like we would rather try to control the other half of the relationship, what we really need to do is improve our relationship with ourselves.

being mindful of my spirit, food doesn't solve any problems for me. being mindful of my spirit, a lover, a friend, a parent, does not fulfill any part of me, but only adds to my already abundant life.

i choose to let go of a belief in scarcity, and remind myself that i am abundant, i am supported, and i am full and complete as i am.

...thank god this realization occurred before the holidays...gobble gobble ;-)

my business, my passion EMBODIED

so, i'm officially starting a business...with all of my free time, right? ;-) ha! but it just IS...and it feels so right. i am partners with my buddha sister, and it's wonderful. i have a folder in my business email address titled "inspiration", and, if you can believe it, it is just about as full as my "website" and "design" folders ;-) sarah sends me inspiration...i swear, it flows like a waterfall from her at all times! so amazing! here's the latest addition to the lumi inspiration folder, enjoy!

Many times we do not give ourselves enough credit for how much power we have over the course of our lives. We outsource the cause of our suffering, grief, anger and resentment to other people, big companies, the government or a Higher Power.

But the truth is this. The way you see the world isn't how the world is - the way you see the world is how YOU are. Since any reality can be created through the power of intention, the life you are currently living and the world you are experiencing today is totally a by product of your thoughts about life.

Choose to believe and act on the thoughts that feel the best (even if, and especially if, they seem unrealistic or impossible). Successful people don't hope or wish themselves into success. NO - they ALL persistently THINK and ACT their way to success.

Get in touch with your inspiration. Think thoughts in alignment with what inspires you. Take action from the thoughts that are in alignment with what inspires you.

Do this daily without giving up and eventually a whole new WORLD will be yours to experience.

"Let Passion Drive your Profession"
-Oprah

Love you Both!

Miss Bliss

Work, money, and life SUCKING

so, the other day, i had this "ah ha" realization that I have always thought work should SUCK. it's so natural for me to believe that, that i honestly had trouble believing any other point of view could exist. does anyone else feel this way??

i have memories of my dad coming home from work, honestly looking like he was beaten up...and then getting up the next day, and going back for more. jeez, how PAINFUL to watch each and every day as a child! he was always a proponent of the idea that "work is hard", "life is HARD", and basically that it all pretty much SUCKS. not ALWAYS, mind you, but just most of the time. and ESPECIALLY if you ever wanted to make enough money to survive...then it was going to be painful...

so, i guess i didn't really think about that much as i grew up until i started working. and, in some cases (like when i worked as a personal trainer at 24 hour fitness, aka hell on earth), it really did seem to fit. I made $22,000 my first year out of college...my god, is a college education only worth $22,000?! i was happy, but i was definitely not feeling confident in my money situation. savings? i had no idea what that was...besides saving credit on my card to buy groceries...oh, and a cat ;-) haha

in this past year, however, i have found myself really enjoying work...i mean really enjoying it. and i'm making a pretty good living. AND, in the past year, i have also pursued other passions, like volunteering for a breast cancer awareness group, teaching yoga, running a marathon, and starting a tshirt company. :-) yay! haha...it really all makes me feel like smiling :-) and yelling "yay!" apparently ;-) but, all joking aside, i really love it all! and somehow it all fits in, and i feel happy as I pursue it all...

this week, however, i had a dead on "straw that broke the camel's back" experience...to a tee. one thing at work went not as planned, and all of the sudden I felt my smile fade, and work started sucking. i mean REALLY SUCKING! i felt like i looked like my dad when i got done with work- worn out and wearied by a painful, long, and unfulfilling day at work. and, just like that, my enjoyment for work crashed to the ground...i spiraled...and i came back to my belief that "work is hard", "life is hard", and pretty much "everything suuuuccccckkkkssss!".

wow, what an effect a belief can have on you! it's almost worth laughing about...! so little changed, but, all the sudden, my entire reality changed. the positive feelings i had about work, and my LIFE as a woman pursuing her career completely faded into a nasty ball of dark icky feelings...i felt pressured to work, pressured to suffer, and pressured to be something for someone else just because...well, that's the way life is, HARD, PAINFUL, and SUCKY!!

well, here's what i say to that: F THAT PERSPECTIVE. i felt it's pull...i sank into despair...but i refuse to let it define me anymore. dad, i love you, but your belief about life is just not suiting me anymore...and i have decided to change it...here's what i came up with:

"it is easy to grow my career and make positive contributions to others by following and doing what i love."

BAM.

May seem simple...but it was like the golden key that unlocked me from my self created prison...and now...i'm BACK. :-)

i CHOOSE this belief. i CHOOSE. :-)

to work, money, and life manifesting my true love :-) yay!

"What you do attests to what you believe."

-A Course in Miracles

lets flip that...

as I strive to re-enter mainstream society and reengage with local, national, and international news, I have found that I am quickly reminded of why I originally boycotted this media. let's take a look at all the heartwarming, positive, and inspirational news I read this AM:

• "wild storm leaves behind damage, injuries"
• "Indonesia tsunami toll hits 343 as bodies found"
• "college tuition costs climbing again this fall"
• "foreclosure activity up across most US metro areas"
• "high exposure to BPA linked to low sperm count"
• "urgent request for Jackson tests"
• "giants rough up Lee for 11-7 win in Series opener"

phew...well, if that wasn't a painful way to start the day, I'm not sure what is! I don't like flooding my body and mind with so many negative thoughts...how did it become normal to spread "news" like this?! isn't there anything GOOD happening that we'd also like to talk about? let's see if I can flip the perspective on these news blasts...bring a smile to my day instead of a heavy, life is horrible feeling...ha!

"wild storm amazes onlookers with our earth's beauty!"

"Indonesian Red Cross brings supplies and hope to people displaced by the tsunami"

"According to the U.S. census, Americans are more educated than ever before, with a greater percentage graduating from high school and college than a decade ago."

"In Illinois, the foreclosure rate is trending down"

regarding sperm, the only thing I can find to say is that a friend recently told me he had "super sperm". this reinstilled my confidence in procreation...but also made me somewhat nervous...ha!

Michael Jackson's awesomeness is celebrated by "rocking" with him

and regarding the giants, this headline actually did not seem that negative...but i would still like to redirect you to an amazing post by a good friend about the giants...it is very well said :-)

http://www.rocket-shoes.com/a-love-letter-to-the-san-francisco-giants/

so with this much improved perspective on daily news, I start my day :-) happy thursday everyone.

blast from the past

probably about one year ago i was watching this girl play the violin, sing seductively, and stomp her feet on a suitcase (her drum section) alone on a stage in chicago...i was immediately in love

talk about two blasts from the past- my ex, who is extremely music culture savvy, sent this to me out of the blue. i guess she's getting some press ;-) i love it

my macrocosm

i saw my grandma today. she is 93 (i think? 94?). what an amazingly small world she lives in. as i contemplate what i am going to write next, i realize it might seem inappropriate to really put it all out there, but just to be straight forward: she has been bed bound for over a year now, wheelchair bound for probably 3 years before that. she is washed in her bed by her caretakers, she eats the pureed food they feed her, she holds washcloths in her hands to protect her palms from her nails as she curls her hands into fists and tucks them under her chin...she can barely see. the last time she was outside of her apartment was probably about a year ago, when my sister and i convinced her to be lifted out of bed and secured in her wheelchair for a stroll to the park.

i can see that this might seem depressing...but it is what it is. i love my grandma...i love that she is who she is, in the moment, right NOW. spending time with her today was amazing in so many ways. she did not even speak or move...but just barely fluttered her eyes open and closed as i told her about what is going on in my life. and, out of pure love, i found the only way i felt i could reach her was by physical touch; i massaged my grandma from head to toe for almost an hour...communicating without speaking. it truly was a life-filled moment, despite all the signs of fading life around us.

my experience with my grandma made me think about my focus over the past few years. just as my grandma lives in a small world, i realized this evening that i have turned inward to my "microcosm"; over the past few years, i have found myself less and less interested in what is going on in the world, and more and more interested in what is going on within MY world. what an interesting turn...

this has shown through in my life in so many ways; i no longer watch television and am almost constantly reminded of my lack of involvement in popular culture (mostly by my friends, who get quite a kick out of the fact that i have no idea who celebrities such as the Kardashians are...and, by the way, i just had to google that to find out how to spell that name; i did not, however, take the time to find out who they are, because i honestly have no idea and really do not care!). my bedside table is stacked with nonfiction books about spirituality, yoga, raw diets, and chakras. i find out about the bears winning or losing while chatting in the OR...i am a yoga instructor...i am a bike commuter and runner...all my own forms of meditation

i've always been an extremely curious person...breaking up with a long term boyfriend, one book ignited my fervor for learning more, and led me on a 2 year journey to where i am today...but, should i have also been concentrating on the larger picture? i know the last 2 years have brought me to a place where i believe that all that i create outside of me comes from within- what a powerful and freeing concept! but, i also live in SOCIETY; a well established way of life exists outside of me...what of that? it seems my curiosity for the world within has detached me from the world without...

i heard a john stewart interview on NPR today (hilarious man, i love him); he was asked to describe the highlight of his career on the daily show, and, in the most serious tone i think i have ever heard from him, he described his coverage of a decision to limit healthcare coverage to officers who had helped during 911 if they were undocumented...his passion for the cause was almost breathtaking. and, in that instant, i suddenly felt this shift...i came home, cooked an amazing dinner with friends, settled in with my computer, and, 2 hours later, woke up from an unexpected, almost exhaustive, search of world news, information about political systems, history...as if i suddenly came out of myself and woke up to the world around me.

i felt like i needed to go back to high school! going into medicine in college, high school seems to be one of the only times i learned about government, history, and the like. the intertwining of government, art, literature, economics, social networks...all creating the evolution we observe around us...how amazingly interesting!

if the power to change comes from within, then the change we see around us is our internal intentions manifested in the world...

i journeyed in to learn how to manifest in my own life...curiosity now draws me to learn what the collective consciousness of the world has manifested in society. what an f'ing interesting concept...let the curiosity take me :-)

i can't claim i will become a justin beiber fan...but maybe soon you'll find me back in society ;-) in my macrocosm...

Welcome october

Local Natives is this weekend...then Ra Ra Riot with barely any time to change gears. so pumped. :-) yay! here are my favorites from ra ra lately. i hope they bring a smile to your face also. and if you're in the chicago area, come to the concert!

"The universe yearns to see your smile and hear your laughter because you are the universe personified, and thus you are how it smiles and laughs."

From my buddha sister :-) Love you Sarah!

“Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through and be silent.”

-Rumi

"Let the beauty of what you love be what you do."

-Rumi

songs i loveD which led me to my new recent loves :-)

Alas, i must move aside my past loves (below) to let in new wonderful music :-) check out my new playlist to the right...those songs are verging on obsession currently.

letting go

My last session with Maureen ended by ripping up the pages we had been working on for weeks; my feelings about this, that, my past, my future, how it affects me now...on and on (for probably at least 5 pages). oh what "work" we had put into that! and just like that, RIP, they were gone! my first gut reaction was "oh no! oh...aah!"...and then i immediately started giggling and clapping my hands. ha! it was amazing! so liberating. i had moved past it :-) i didn't need them anymore!

We moved into a meditation, and i left our session with a new lightness...i walked out of her place, heard the waves crashing on the beach, the breeze...hopped on my bike, and smiled all the way home. Another session of "unhexing"....it's such an amazing experience. how was i not doing this before??

it's so easy to resist change...to fear stepping out of our comfort zone, or out from behind our protective walls. after my first break up (god, i hate that i even have to say FIRST...! so many break ups with the same person...! aah!), i hid behind exercise and alcohol. don't get me wrong, both felt AMAZING at the time (ha!), but, it never really changed anything. i still woke up feeling the same, and feared looking at the pain and repeating patterns in my life. nothing really started changing until i allowed myself to feel the pain; and oh how much i cried! i cried in yoga studios all over chicago! and then after the crying, i suddenly saw myself...i observed....and i realized i needed to act! all of the sudden, i could actually SEE what was happening in my life. that's when i started my sessions with maureen- a light in my life :-)

when i first began noticing my behaviors, the things i clung to, it freaked me out beyond belief to even think about letting go of them. like the flash of fear i felt as the pages ripped, i felt like letting go was going to rip me of my strength, throw me down, beat me up, and leave me to die! sound a bit dramatic? haha, yes, i know. but, honestly...it was f'ing SCARY! who am i if i am not this stone solid woman with no soft spots?! no love for the weary!! do not let go of your defenses! oh my...

recently, i just started reading a wonderful book called "Meditations from the Mat". each day, it gives a quote and describes a principle of yoga. i picked this book so i could learn ways to put into words what i have experienced with yoga (it can be so hard to do!) so that I can share it with my students. yesterday, i read about renunciation...i couldn't believe how well it reflected what i have been experiencing in my sessions with maureen

renunciation- an act or instance of relinquishing, abandoning, or sacrificing something. hmm...doesn't sound that great probably, right? but, what about growth? i find new perspectives replace old...letting go of something brings birth to a new understanding...

in my life, with the comfort of a spiritual guide, i let go...i SEE...and my fear of the death of my patterns (the scary, gut wrenching RIP! of my past) becomes a rebirth...a giggling fit :-) a lightening...

i have new eyes..there is no going back :-)

"...the furniture of our life gets moved, and we are forced to pay attention...suddenly we are seeing the world with new eyes..."

"When we are ready to let go, we will do so with relief. We will experience renunciation not as a death but as a birth"

-Meditations from the Mat

Let's prep

In preparation for october's deliciousness, I would like to start by offering the following Local Natives songs. wonderful!

family love

awesome how life works to really show you things. I've been super tired lately; just feeling exhausted! oftentimes, I feel a bit down when I'm tired, but, this time is different. The changes I've been feeling in my inner world...all radiating into my outer world...I just can't say enough about how it has changed the way I live! I feel capable of allowing myself to feel my present moment, and to not judge it. what a difference that makes!

I definitely believe my current state of fatigue is related to running- I have been running more miles per week the past month than I probably biked in the past couple months combined! it's pretty cool to realize I can pull it off...totally motivational. but, it is definitely taking a toll. pealed off a chunk of skin from my foot yesterday...really attractive, eh? ;-) and I sat at the table last night with a bag of frozen corn on my knee- first time I've ever iced any part of my body without having an actual "injury", just overuse...the other thing I've noticed is that I just cannot sleep enough! wow, how the bed daydreaming has increased! :-) I LOVE MY BED

so, with all this fatigue, it surprised me today to notice that I didn't feel even the slightest bit cranky about it all. considering my past, I would say that the need for food and fatigue are my two largest crabby instigators. but, alas, today I was smiling happily as I sunk into my chair with a sigh and felt my weight supported- oh the delight! someone who knows me might have actually been concerned...what has gotten into michelle?? she is tired...but smiling...? something must be wrong here...

I've read a lot of books over the past few years, and this recent observation made me think back to a story I read about a man who had had a traumatic accident and became paralyzed. as you might imagine, this was viewed as a very sad accident! but, the author of this book met this man, connected with him eye to eye, and immediately saw how at peace he was with his physical body; completely surrendered to the now...wow, how that stuck with me. it is the most vivid picture i have from the entire book. if i can barely handle the feeling of being hungry, how might i fair in a similar situation? it really is an impressive perspective to practice taking...

I find myself often admiring the views of beautiful chicago as I run. running with the rising sun, the seagulls, and the sound of waves on the beach can be breathtaking sometimes; it's hard to deny how amazing it is. my running partner is excellent at pointing out the beauty around us and encouraging gratefulness for that beauty. last week, however, we both struggled in our runs; him with nasty rain, and me with a cold...he commented on how finding the beauty was so much more difficult as the setting changed.

But, what power, to be able to DECIDE how we feel...regardless of what life gives us. we think of rain or colds as "bad"...well, then they're bad! but i got a cold, and i felt tired, and i felt stuffed up...and I NAPPED endlessly (which I, personally, really LIKE!). my cold made me slow down- I ate better, I rested better, I stopped my incessant connection through electronics, I stopped running...I connected with the power of my stillness. and it was eye opening :-)

On a monday morning, as I took in the gray chicago sky, and sleepily walked from my office to the hospital, my sister called me. she excitedly asked me "do you know what song was in my head when I woke up today??" by the way, how can anyone EVER answer such a question?? we both giggled before she even got to the answer, and then she sang "oh what a beautiful mooooorrrrnnning!" a song from our grandma's favorite musical...it brought together so many feelings and thoughts I had been experiencing lately, that I just had to share it. oh what a beautiful morning- the sky is gray, my head feels the size of a watermelon, it's before 7 am, and my day at work will not end until almost 6pm...but I'm HERE, and I am ME, and I choose that all of these things are beautiful, meaningful, and exactly what they are meant to be in the moment. oh what a beautiful morning!

i am in love...with october

take a look at this lineup! it's ridiculous!

10/2 Local Natives

10/5 Ra Ra Riot

10/7 fly to Columbus for wedding weekend; Jorgen flies in from OSLO

10/8 bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding, yay! and Scott's birthday! double yay!

10/10 Chicago Marathon!

10/10-10/12 staycation with J :-)

10/14 The Drums

10/15-10/17 Dad's 60th birthday party in Michigan; Carrie in Chicago from Florida

10/22 LCD Soundsystem in Milwaukee

10/24 Phantogram

10/29 Gala in Madison

10/31 Halloween

I might sleep through November...

The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

-Ferdinand Foch

We are the ones we've been waiting for

"There is a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. Know that the river has its destination. The elders say we must push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above the water. See who is there with you and celebrate. At this time in history we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves; banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. We are all the ones we've been waiting for"
-Hopi elder

"When everything you retain is lovable, there is no reason for fear to remain with you." - A Course In Miracles

New and old loves

I was so surprised to first hear, and then actually like both of these songs...life definitely is humorous :-) and continually brings a smile to my face!

song 1: sent to me by luke. what a love for soul he has! this song is probably something i would have never come across on my own, and now find myself singing loudly around my apartment with headphones on :-)

song 2: don't judge...i know this song is ridiculous. but, SO ridiculous that it actually becomes very enjoyable! this song came into my life through pure chance as I went through my entire itunes folder and deleted all duplicates...yes, somehow i actually OWNED this song, don't ask me how. now, honestly, i probably would have scrolled right past it, except that i saw the title "pillow talk" and the description "soul hits of the 70's". yesssssss. additionally, this song came on at the exact moment i was flirting online with a cute norwegian (gotta love technology), and it actually made me laugh out loud. lol ;-) enjoy!

let's talk about manifesting...

Wow. What a life I have created! And, for the first time in my life, I really feel like I can say that I CREATED all that I am currently involved in. Sarah and I have been chatting about the power of our thoughts and perspectives in manifesting our true desires for years...and I must say, that each year I learn more about it, I see it more and more in my life...

I find myself wondering how the power of attraction can be such a difficult concept to accept...and have recently realized that it's not that the attraction doesn't take place, but it's that we are so clouded by our minds, that we don't even know what we TRULY desire! Getting to the heart of that, I have found amazing things have come into my life...how freeing! how amazing! and so expansive!

this year, I have been seeing a therapist who has helped me identify my attraction patterns in relationships...she was with me through a hard break up and a wonderful path to healing :-) that is definitely still in progress! about a month ago, we had an amazing session that finished with the exclamation "now, this is what I call unhexing your heart!". I giggled in excitement (of course), because, unfortunately, the last 1-2 years has been a very difficult heart year for me...one that, in an hour long session, I felt release from... as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest! It was amazing. And how do you UNhex, you may ask? Well, for me, it had to do with uncovering my unconscious wants; my preconceived notions about what "love" feels like, and then my pursuit of that kind of love with my unconscious desires to reproduce it. Not surprisingly, I got my ideas about love from my first love, my dad :-) Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my dad; he is an amazing man who I am so profoundly grateful for in my life. BUT, that being said, my love relationship with him was not really ideal. My dad was the person I wanted love from the most, but, as is the case in many family relationships, he wasn't the best match for what I NEED in a loving relationship. Good thing I've been trying to recreate that love for the past 10 years...awesome job Michelle.

So, "unhexing" my heart was like pulling away a fuzzy screen over my desires; and how easy things became then! How easy to see that my last relationship did NOT satisfy my desires, and that my inability to let go of it was my unconscious love pattern just wanting to repeat! ooooh, the release :-) it was amazing.

Maureen and I spent time putting together a list of my needs in a loving relationship. And as I felt the stability of those needs being met in a companion, I smiled :-)

so, interestingly, the week of my unhexing, as I excitedly approached the Lady Gaga stage at Lollapalooza among thousands of eager listeners, I ran into none other than Luke, the ex :-) And WHO KNEW that I would ever put a smiley face after saying that?! I was so centered and so happy, and felt so capable of loving him without the slightest feeling of longing for our past relationship. It really was amazing.

Shortly after this "reunion", I spent some time with one of my best friends, who was immediately concerned by the encounter. And rightly so! I had been in an on and off relationship with my ex for over a year prior to our most recent break up; it was a rollercoaster that many of my friends had trouble supporting. As I tried to explain the unhexing, I realized I wasn't even sure how to describe it. What did I UNhex?? It felt so natural to be in my current state, it's as if I couldn't remember what I was like before. And that's the beauty of it; being an observer, I was able to see my unconscious patterns and, ultimately, uncover my true desires, my true self, and my ultimate power to manifest...so f'ing awesome! so empowering!

So, in true goddess form, I'd like to spend a moment to reflect on what my true desires have manifested recently in my life: let's brag!

I brag that I am starting an awesome t-shirt company with my best friend!

I brag that I went on a date, felt confident, had fun, and made out all over Chicago!

I brag that I ran a half marathon in under 2 hours

I brag that I am now training for a full marathon!

I brag that I teach yoga, and taught to 45 students last weekend!

I brag that I am eating healthy and losing weight!

I brag that I had a naked photo shoot and took powerful female pictures of my beautiful body!

I brag that I will see a long lost friend at my upcoming marathon!

I brag that I am exploring my true desires and finding pleasure in seeing them manifest in my life, DAILY. I brag that I am uncovering the fact that I AM the creator of my reality!

With love, I observe my unconscious behaviors, dissolving their hold on my life, actions, choices, and path. With love, I become...I AM

Songs I loveD that led me to my most recent loves :-)

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Lolla rocked, of course

What a wonderful weekend at lollapalooza! I'll only post our most acceptable picture ;-) before all the drinking and debauchery ensued. Loved meeting new friends and hearing new bands. Already excited for next year!

Lollapalooza...

my stomach jumps just thinking of it! I'm so excited for Lollapalooza this year! Last year was probably the highlight of my summer (except, of course, lake geneva with the fam! love you guys!). it really was a drunken mess, although, surprisingly, not that messy! we had a grand ole' time and plan to do the same again this year.

to jump start the musical excitement, I suggest you find the new Arcade Fire album- AMAZING. I listened to an interview with the band on npr a couple nights ago. while riding home on the silent lake path, after I had just "unhexed my heart" with my healer, I got a preview of their amazing new music and their collective wonderfulness! the band really does seem cool...regardless of what their music sounds like ;-)

13.1 miles is not just a half...

my first half marathon! it was amazing! and as I sprinted to the end with my two best friends cheering me on running next to me, I dodged the vomit about 50 feet from the finish and I actually smiled :-) what an f'ing cool experience! thank you kenzie and erika!

why I tattooed "surrender" on my foot

this week I am vacationing in Lake Geneva with my family. Family reunions- oh how I truly love them! This year, as the reunion approached, I became so excited to see and spend time with all of my family. We were all excitedly facebooking as the day approached.

Seeing extended family only once or twice a year makes each visit really exciting. But, what about my immediate family? I felt just as excited to see them...because it really had been a while.

An encounter with my mom and my sister helped me realize that I have been very reclusive and out of touch with my loved ones the past few months. Of course, from my perspective, this should only affect me...haha. But, it turns out, I had actually alienated my immediate family...and actually hurt their feelings. When I look back at it now, I can see that I was stuck in my mind, trying to find ways to move on after a long relationship...and definitely NOT surrendering to the now. Yesterday was a hard day for me; but, what started with some frustrated and angry words, ended with some tears and am embrace, and an amazing realization about how surrender actually plays out in my daily life. I woke this morning to an email from my one and only Buddha sister, and want to share it today.

May we always return to our surrender; our connection with god, the one, the source..whatever you may call it...xo

"The word "surrender" is often interpreted as giving up, as weakness, as admitting defeat. Although this is one way to use the word, we will use it in a different way. Surrendering means letting go of your resistance to the total openness of who you are. It means giving up the tension of the little vortex you believe yourself to be and realizing the deep power of the ocean you truly are. It means to open with no boundaries, emotional or physical, so you ease wide beyond any limiting sense of self you might have."
-David Deida

Today, I surrender to the wisdom of my heart. I let go of the need to be right, in charge, in control. I let go of my mind's small and incomplete vision of myself, and open to the source of who I truly am. and all is well...

to the northwoods!

What a wonderful 4th of July! This year, I went up to Rhinelander, WI with my roommate Kenzie. Up to the northwoods! I was so excited to leave the city, get away for a long weekend, and soak up the country.

From my 20th floor high rise living to the slow pace of the Wisconsin country...what a stark change in scene...and how I longed for it! or at least I thought I did...

Ever since I first stepped foot on the Jensen farm in Steven's Point, WI, I was convinced that I wanted to live in the country. I could have a garden...eat clean and healthy foods...ride my bike to town...wake up with the birds...and allow myself to slow down to a more comfortable pace in life...reconnecting with nature. I was always blown away by the love I felt at the Jensen home, even the way the love between Luke and I would blossom while we were there. It was enthralling! And, of course, that love is now tied to Wisconsin in general.

When Luke and I dreamed of our futures together, we often talked about living on a farm. Rockin' out in the city, of course, but then escaping...to an emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy life in the Wisconsin country. When I first mentioned any of this to my parents I think I just got silence, a classic "grim" chuckle from my dad, and a matter-of-fact"really..." from my mom. I guess they never saw it coming...ha! But, nonetheless, Luke and I's relationship grew, and my dream of moving to the quiet peace of the country slowly expanded into a love for all that it represented.

So when Luke and I parted ways, it never crossed my mind that this country dream had been a mutual country dream...I continued in my love for Wisconsin countryside without a doubt. So much so that, on a whim (which seems to be the way I do many things lately), I came up with the idea of actually BUYING land in Wisconsin on a lake and building a pre-fab eco-friendly home on it. Not TOO random, right? Because, in all my time off, I could go hang out up there and...hang out...

So, logically, I looked into it...I contacted a few sellers expressing interest. I passed it by my parents...who, despite the "grim" chuckle and "really..." actually seemed to be pretty supportive...I dreamt about it for weeks...but then something slowed me down. Do I really want this?? In the spirit of being objective, I asked a recent addition to my life who I believe is possibly the most rational person I know...my boss. And within a 20 minute conversation, I realized my pipe dream was just that...

Maureen and I often talk about the intertwined dreams one creates with a lover; the dreams that bind you together...so beautiful and motivating! But, when your relationship ends, those dreams become slightly lost. Lost...I feel I can't say it any better...when I first broke up with Luke, I definitely felt lost...like I was flying without a navigation system...in a storm...with lightening around me...engine puttering...? maybe that takes it a bit too far...but I really did feel strange and untethered! and totally confused about what I wanted and what I could create.. My life had been so intermingled with one other person, so much so that I wasn't really sure where my energy ended and his began...did I even LIKE those things? Did I WANT that? What the HELL am I doing??

So, in my drive up to Wisconsin with Kenzie, I started noticing that it didn't quite feel as exciting and relaxing as I thought it might. I got anxious as we passed the Casimir Road exit, knowing the Jensen farm was less than a mile away...and I actually felt anxiety ridden and stressed as we approached her family's house and I imagined myself living in this beautiful tucked away country town...ALONE...with no distractions...just to be...with myself...and myself...FREAKYYYY

But once I got past the fear, it was interesting for me to notice that my "love" for the country was me striving to live out the mutual dream I had created with someone else who was no longer in my life...and then to realize that when I connected with my inner strength and peace, I could let go of this dream comfortably...opening me up to all the amazing potential opportunities I could create on my path...alone (in a good way this time).

I slept like a baby my first night in Wisconsin after writing about my new discovery, and I woke up to birds chirping and the wind blowing through the trees. I went on a run, kayaked the Wisconsin river, drank beer and ate brats...smiled and giggled, and loved every second of it!

The weekend was heavy and light for me, grounding and uplifting, all mixed in one...and I was so grateful for seeing and feeling both of those sides of myself.

When I think back on the weekend, I seem to hold most closely my memory of looking up the meaning of "taint", "chode", and "grundle" on urban dictionary while driving to dinner (in response to a disagreement about what the space between a guys balls and asshole is called...), watching a girl barf in front of our car at the gas station while Kenzie's mom threatened to call the police, wearing our life preservers as diapers (throw back!), kayaking the Wisconsin river, and playing the most spastic and silly game of catch phrase with Kenzie's family and friends (of course, with booze involved)...AND realizing that, although my mutual dream no longer exists, MY DREAMS do...and I definitely still dream of the country.

Sending my love to the northwoods!

And please enjoy the enticing and ever informational urban dictionary...who knew there were so many terms for the same thing...?? apparently the internet's scholars have more knowledge than I could have ever imagined...

Urban Dictionary:

Chode

1. Chode- a penis wider than it is long

"My boyfriend wanted a hand-job, but I couldn't get a good grip because he had a chode."

2. Chode- a bunch of people that sit around and argue over the definition of the word chode

3. Chode- I don't know where most of you got your fucking definitions for this word, but the Chode has nothing to do with a short or fat penis. It is a synonym of "taint" and "gooch". It is the area between your sac and your asshole. Why would you create a definition for something that doesn't exist, you morons?

"Last night, you mom tongued my chode"

Taint

1. taint- The area between the nutsack and asshole that prevent a man from shitting on his nuts

"If it wasn't for the taint, my nuts would reek of poo!"

2. Taint- 't aint quite your arse and 't aint quite your bullocks it that bit in between

"Pass me the cactus...i have an itchy taint"

3. Taint0 The part of a woman that allows her to be picked up like a six pack

"Caveman: ugh, ugh, me no liek picking her up this way, UG pick her up by taint."

Grundle

1. grundle- The prime piece of real estate located conveniently between Scrotumburg and Anusville

"One of these days, I'm going to move to the grundle."

2. Grundle- The space between your sack-o-nuts and your whale hole.

"When you are crapping you sure are lucky that your grundle is there or you would have a shat full of mess."

3. Grundle- The grundle is not simply just the area between the testes, and the anus, rather it's the wormlike skin line.

"My grundle looks eerily similar to the scare on Madeline's stomach."

Oh, the joys of internet perusing...

Happy 4th!

"All healing is essentially the release from fear..."

-A Course In Miracles

Rain on me...

I was crabby last night...my roommate even noticed it. "you seem...not in a good mood...?" I actually don't think she's ever said that to me before...and as I sat there in my rain soaked clothes, all I could come up with was "I'm tired of being rained on". ha, oh how metaphorical I could get with that!

But, in actuality, I have been rained on now three times while running home from work. It's a short run, just under three miles. But, in the past week, the clear skies have turned to grey, and, I swear, the SECOND I put my running shoe on the sidewalk, it has started to rain. And not just a drizzle, but a downpour....Interestingly, it has also seemed to STOP raining the second I arrived at my doorstep. Honestly, I am not exaggerating.

The first time this happened, I honestly giggled all the way home. What timing, I thought! The second time, I giggled, sucked the rain water off my upper lip, squinted through the rain, and happily made it home. But, the THIRD time this happened, I stalled under bridges, called friends for rides (to no avail), cursed my horrible timing, took a deep breath, and ran home. When it stopped raining just before I reached my building, my happy running self just couldn't stay positive anymore...why is god raining on MEEEEEE?? haha, yes, that dramatic. I would also like to say that this run actually started with a bolt of lightening and immediate thunder as I walked outside...rain started about 3 minutes later. REALLY?! so now god is being dramatic too...michelle stepped outside in her running clothes, strike her with lightening! mwahaha!

It is actually pretty funny...

So, I ran home. I took my shoes off outside the apartment and stuffed them with newspaper (which is becoming a regular routine for me at this point), I walked into my living room and stared at the city in amazement; as the clouds began clearing, the sun began to shine, I stood sopping wet, dripping in my living room...

Sometimes it seems like the world is just raining on YOU. I feel this mostly when I find myself comparing myself to others...what a silly thing to do! Our egos so often convince us that we need to be different, better, above those around us. It seems to be part of our "survival of the fittest" wiring. But look at what havoc that wreaks on our emotional and spiritual bodies! My oh my, how my internal body was in a knot last night!

Our natural wellness and power is in our connection to the underlying source of all creation...denying that brings us anxiety, nervousness, anger, disconnect, feelings of being lost. When I feel I am resisting my current moment, when the rain seems to be pouring only on me, I have to let go of my identification with my ego...reconnect with the self that is me beyond my mind. I slow my mind, slow my breath, and allow the quiet voice of my spirit to remind me that I am safe, loved, whole, healthy, and at peace.

Today I ran to work and it wasn't raining...until I got into my office...then the skies opened up :-)

Lomi Pule (Prayer)

E aloha mai

E mana mai

E pono mai

E ola no!

Amama ua noa

Let there be love.

Let there be power.

Let there be harmony.

Let there be healing.

So be it, it is done.

"Perfect love casts out fear. If fear exists, then there is not perfect love."

-A Course In Miracles

if you think you need a break, keep going

I consider myself to be a pretty nice person...I generally really care about people, want them to feel good, happy, and loved...so, how did I find myself verbally abusing my yoga class last month? Well, this is just another manifestation of what my sister might call "Angry Michelle".

If you don't know me well enough to have already met "Angry Michelle", let me give you the highlights. Smiling Michelle, excited to hang out with friends/family, gets into the car to drive to some location she is probably very excited about. All is well in happy land until...why is this guy going so slow?? I cannot BELIEVE we are going 2 mph on the HIGHWAY!!! that guy just cut me off, F*** YOUUUUU!

Yes, that angry, that quick. It seemed to almost be inevitable. Please note that, currently, for this reason exactly, I have now arranged my life around NOT driving; I am now a happy bike commuter who has recently sold her car actually :-) and I thought that would solve the problem...until recently...

I broke up with my boyfriend...AGAIN...the day after my birthday this year. Interestingly, he used to always say that if he couldn't BE in our relationship by the time I turned 28, he would understand if I left. 28 for less than 24 hours and I did just that...interesting how that happens. So, anyhow, the last few months of my life has been about moving on. It's been a very interesting process to observe! Although, I must admit, I am not always able to observe it necessarily. I cried for the first couple weeks, celebrated for the next few, and then fell into an emotional mess for the next...like the rollercoaster of PMS'ing, I found myself oftentimes anxious, easily angered, easily saddened, tired...and lo and behold, angry Michelle resurfaced. I didn't really even realize it until I had a shocking wake up call as I flicked off a driver while riding my bike on Michigan Avenue yelling "FUCK YOUUUU" as I rode by...WHOA...I mean, REALLY? Where did that come from?! (you would probably find this even more shocking if you heard the story of why i vowed to never flick anyone off ever again after an encounter with an angry husband in Target about 5 years ago...a whole other story...!)

And then the next day, in a setting where I usually provide support, offer modifications or easier alternatives should the student feel they can't go on, I found myself pushing my yoga students angrily through a difficult class...this time, I finished out my "if you are struggling" sentence with "then PUSH HARDER, and KEEP GOING!". my class looked pained...and I just kept yelling. I know it seems this could have ended very poorly, but it actually turned out okay. I think I was probably more relieved to be done with the class than my aching students were...!

So, what is this all about? I know it comes from me...my spiritual healer would probably say it is my 4 year old self, aching for love that she has not yet found. If they won't give me love, I will take that on as my fault, beat myself up about it, and then RAAAAARRRRR at everyone around me!! ...oh my Michelle...could we just move past this already...?

I got through yoga...and I awakened from my anger with a new understanding about who I am, what throws me off kilter, separates me from my source. I realized that I was getting fulfillment from a relationship, and that without that relationship, I wasn't quite sure how to feel full. I realized I am sometimes better at loving other people than I am at loving myself...and I came back to my mat, to my meditations, and discovered a new part of myself that was pure, eager, and longing for love :-)

Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.

What is healing but the removal of all that stands in the way of knowledge.

-A Course In Miracles

all i need to know, i learned from my cat

might seem like a weird idea...but i honestly just thought that as i lie on my couch, belly down, in a sports bra and underwear, staring at my cat and contemplating if i should go on a run...halfway there, just need the shorts...jeez i'm tired!

worked 15 hours yesterday, followed by a drink with coworkers to celebrate our long day, and then passed out immediately upon arrival in my bed at midnight...back to work at 7 am...

so, why am i staring at my cat, smiling that she is teaching me something? well, first of all, because bailey rocks, and i love her to pieces. and she rocks. ha. but also, because she's totally engulfed in her present moment. even when she finds her paw stuck to the carpet and she can't move (which is quite entertaining, by the way), she is absorbed in that fact, grunting and meowing as she tries to get free...

profound, i know...i promise, i'm going somewhere with this. so here's my thought, why, when things get tough, do we tend to look the other way, pretend it isn't happening, pretend we are strong and that nothing phases us? why do we deny that we are stuck somewhere, feeling kinda shitty about it, and wanting to get free? i know not all of us may agree that they approach difficult situations this way, but i definitely do. i immediately take my stance: just push on, stay busy, go, go, go! fix, fix, fix! but, how can i fix something that i'm not even allowing myself to see? so simple of a concept, yet, for some reason, not easy for me to apply.

so bailey gets stuck on the rug, she looks at her paw, feels the frustration of it all, and then corrects the problem. i, on the other hand, get "stuck on a rug", feel the pain of it, then hide that crappy feeling by focusing on something else, sweeping my unmet need under the rug...i'll save that for later...but, oooh, that's going to be NASTY later once it's been under the rug for so long! ha!

so, this brings me back to a few quotes i have been reflecting on over the past few months that, after my encounter with bailey, have taken on new meaning:

the universe gives us all we need to elevate our level of consciousness

find perfection in your circumstances

today, i find perfection in the fact that I am feeling tired, a little sad, and slightly lonely. I do not judge these feelings as bad or good, but as experiences that allow me to better know myself, my needs, and to express those things as my truth as a means to elevate my consciousness. the consciousness i speak of is my connection to the present moment, and, therefore, my freedom from the weight of past and future that i carry as definitions of myself. being present, i am able to see the perfection in my circumstances, accept them, surrender to them, and act from a place of truth.